Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex: A Personal Account

When I first found out that I was going to have a baby I knew immediately that I wanted to breastfeed. I spent the next nine months reading materials and taking a class so that I could be prepared. But sometimes life just has a different plan than the one you have had firmly cemented in your head. And you either have to go with it, or go through the hell that I put myself through.

I remember when my daughter first latched and I was so happy. She took to it easily and I thought to myself, “This is going to be a piece-of-cake”. I didn't spend much time in the hospital and soon enough I was home, trying to establish a routine. Our daughter was born with jaundice so we had many follow-up appointments to check her levels and I would meet with the lactation consultant. It was very over-whelming at the time. I had never spent the night in the hospital, never had a procedure done, and here I was, spending all this time in a place, that to be honest, I hated.

So I was determined to get things right with the lactation consultant so that we could begin our nesting phase. The latching, as I stated, went extremely well, but I was not producing enough milk, and my little one was starting to lose weight. This was the first blow. I tried not to let this affect me as I plunged ahead. But she still kept losing weight and eventually we had to supplement formula. I was getting extremely upset at this time. What had started out so wonderfully was slowly turning into a waking nightmare.

Finally I started producing more milk but then as if on cue, another problematic monkey leaped onto my back. Whenever I would begin the feeding process, a wave of incredible sadness and revulsion would come over me. My husband witnessed as I became somewhat catatonic before and after feeding. My pupils would dilate and it was like another person would take over. No matter how happy I was before the feeding time, it would always, and I do mean, always happen. I tried switching locations in the house, tried different television shows, not having the TV on, and it didn't matter. What should have been a happy, bonding time with my daughter usually ended up with me in tears. I was crying while breastfeeding and I knew this wasn't normal.

But for all the reading I had done, I had not heard of this happening. Eventually I started to pin it all on myself and my failures as a mother. Then I developed postpartum anxiety, which is different from postpartum depression. I had never had a panic attack in my life and now I was having a few a day. They were uncontrollable. Nothing had prepared me for this. I don't even think reading about this would have prepared me for the actual experience. I felt like I had been broken into a million pieces and I was desperately trying to put myself back together.

Breastfeeding became something otherworldly, as I sat there and cried, while doing something that should be natural to every female creature. Eventually I couldn't even think of my breasts without overwhelming revulsion. I discussed this with my OB and she said that yes this happens to some women and that I shouldn't beat myself up. So I made the call and decided to stop breastfeeding. It was a painful decision. One that I still feel to this day. The postpartum anxiety only got worse after this, as I went through mother guilt, and I had to take a temporary medication to get me back to normal.

It was only months later that I learned my condition had a name. I don't even think my OB knew that there was an actual term for this. It is called Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex or D-MER. It is described as “an abrupt emotional "drop" that occurs in some women just before milk release and continues for not more than a few minutes. The brief negative feelings range in severity from wistfulness to self-loathing, and appear to have a physiological cause. The authors suggest that an abrupt drop in dopamine may occur when milk release is triggered, resulting in a real or relative brief dopamine deficit for affected women”. http://www.internationalbreastfeedingjournal.com/content/6/1/6

When I read this I felt such a weight off of my shoulders. I had put it all on myself and my shortcomings. I didn't know that what I was experiencing was hormonally related. It doesn't seem that this condition is widely known or discussed. I had let myself and others make me feel incredibly guilty for failing at breastfeeding. And yes, unfortunately, women do not support each other very well when it comes to this issue. I have had little jabs thrown at me by friends, “mother's milk is best”, to insinuating that I didn't try hard enough and therefore must not care about my daughter. I won't name names but women have got to stop this. We should support each other in whatever decisions we make for our children instead of using these decisions to feel superior over another. But I am a realist and I know how catty and controlling most women are so I don't expect this behavior to end anytime soon. All you have to do is read the message boards on this issue. It is sad and shocking to me how judgmental others are when it comes to another persons child, when really I think they care more about lording over someone than whether that child is receiving “proper nutrition”.

With this new information, I feel that I can now move forward. My daughter is happy, healthy, and feisty. I was formula fed, most people I know were formula fed, and there shouldn't be the shame that is now attached with that. I graduated college as a formula fed person, rarely get any colds or sickness as a formula fed person. I don't have asthma or eczema. I am here today to tell those who have made the decision not to breastfeed, to not feel guilty or let others make you feel that way. As long as your baby is healthy and happy you are doing a GOOD JOB! Learn to love yourself, no matter what feeding method, and your child will reap the benefits of a happy home.

As In the Days of Noah

 

Every Fall it seems that yellow jackets find a way to build a nest somewhere on my house. For many years they were able to get into our eaves. So we blocked that off but this past season they found a little place by our backdoor and started a good-sized nest in our siding. I've never been stung and I was petrified to use that door.

Eventually my husband started setting out dishes of soap with Karo syrup and the yellow jackets began dying in the hundreds. Each day he would set out a new trap and more would die. The traps worked and the hive began to die off. I finally worked up the courage to go out there and take a look one day. I noticed a yellow jacket on the ground, trying to pick something up. I watched as he struggled to take flight with one of his fallen comrades.

I knew at that moment I was meant to witness this scene. I was meant to see this creature turn on his fellow, after working in concert to build one of natures most beautiful machines. The hive had been starved off and now they had turned on each other. I thought of our society and how community is encouraged. There are more people living in urban and suburban settings than ever before. I thought of my own city with little parks scattered about, nice walking trails, schools, grocery stores, and churches. It functions well enough, the city planners didn't do a terrible job of laying out the city. But if we faced a threat such as starvation how fast would this illusion unravel?

A yellow jacket's nest, if attacked, will act as one, even chasing the attacker for up to a mile. That is if they are faced with a sudden attack or threat. But in the case of a war of attrition, they will eventually turn on each other, as I witnessed that day. Again I thought of my community. My city is faced with flooding every so often and we diligently fill and place sandbags to prevent a catastrophe. But if food became scarce I wonder how long that friendly Scandinavian spirit would last. Would we turn on each other, much like any tightly grouped species on this planet?

As our nations debt spirals out of control and, as evidenced by the Benghazi attacks, we find ourselves more vulnerable to attack than ever before, it has become prudent to not put much faith into civilization staying civilized in a time of unrest. It is quite ironic that when we are more hive-like than ever before we have a community organizer at the helm. But as mother nature allowed me to see, you cannot depend on others, even those who you trusted, to have your back when vital resources are at stake. I urge my friends and family to get prepared. Hurricane Sandy also showed us how quickly infrastructure can fall apart and how necessary it is to have food, water, and an alternate power source available to you in a time of crisis.

Ultimately our fate is dictated according to God's will, but if you ever feel led to prepare, much like Noah, then you need to heed that call. Remember it is not up the government to make sure you are fed, only our security is under their jurisdiction.

“By faith Noah, being warned by God concerning events as yet unseen, in reverent fear constructed an ark for the saving of his household. By this he condemned the world and became an heir of the righteousness that comes by faith.” Hebrews 11:7

Behind the Curtain, Alternative title: Put Another Shrimp on the Barbie!

 
“You," he said, "are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world, and that, I believe, is why you are in so much pain.”
― Emilie Autumn, The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls

Lately a sort of malaise has befallen me, the kind that comes after a bout with gluttony. I'm not quite sure it is possible but I believe I overindulged in truth. I watched too many documentaries, and read too many articles. Now I feel bogged down, my neurons overloaded with new information that I have yet to process.

Throughout my life something inside of me has had a great need for truth, no matter the price to myself. I remember reading the Time Life, “Mysteries of the Unknown” series when I was young and lying awake in bed, scared of ghosts and aliens. But I persevered and read the whole series. This pattern has persisted and many years later I find myself watching documentaries and reading books I know will frighten me.

But my fears have changed. They have become more pragmatic. I worry about what will happen to my daughter if she attends public school. If she is struggling will she get the attention she needs? Will she see violence and be exposed to things I don't want her to see or hear? Should I home school her? So I search for answers, watching documentaries about the school system, listening to the stories of the parents around me.

I have found that the search for truth can oftentimes be a lonely road to travel. I can research and gain this knowledge but that does not mean everyone will accept this as their truth. More often than not, most people I know will choose to live in a world that is deemed acceptable by the rest of society. They will send their kids to public school, vaccinate them with every recommended vaccine, vote for either Romney or Obama, take what authority figures with fat paychecks say as gospel, while they reject the gospel of the one who received nothing and gave everything. They will see what the man behind the curtain wants them to see and ignore that there is a curtain, living in illusions where the path to the Superbowl isn't rigged, owning something with the Apple logo makes you better than the next person, the money from buying pink items actually goes to breast cancer research and not administrative costs, and the shrimp from the Gulf of Mexico are perfectly safe to eat. Mmmm, yummy Corexit.

James A. Garfield, our twentieth President, once stated that, “The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable”. And that is probably why this is such a lonely road. People do not want the misery or the additional responsibility that comes with knowing the truth. Because once you see something for what it is you have a choice to make.  You have to choose to eat gulf shrimp, knowing that it may still contain remnants of the dispersant used to clean up the BP oil spill.  (http://gizmodo.com/5903021/bp-oil-spill-aftermath-eyeless-shrimp-clawless-crabs-and-fish-with-oozing-sores).

As I overcome this latest overindulgence, I know I have put more responsibility upon myself, more choices to make. Masochism might be involved, maybe I enjoy the misery of each new truth I discover. Ultimately one could argue that truth is subjective and that I am the one living a lie.  I am the one who has created a world of my own illusions.  I will not disagree with that but it is my world and not one given to me, that in itself is truth. 

Last Sunday while reading the paper, I came across an unusual real estate ad. It listed for sale an Anti-Ballistic Missile complex located near the Canadian border in Nekoma, ND. I am familiar with this site and was actually a bit appalled that this was for sale to the general public and not in a preservation status. According to the Cold War Tourist's website, it is the only facility of its kind, responding to Soviet threats to the Grand Forks Air Force Base with nuclear capabilities. Of course it is no longer operational and gauging by the pictures on the Cold War Tourist's site, in need of a major restoration.

As I sat and looked at the picture of this historic site, it conjured up early memories of duck and cover drills in elementary school. Living with the threat of a nuclear holocaust must have wedged itself into my psyche and those around me. I remember “playing war” with a few other children in elementary. We would grab some encyclopedias and look up military items to battle each other with, a version of a role-playing game I suppose. My anti-aircraft gun takes out your Messerschmitt! War must have seemed so remote, so far away, for us to treat it as a game. Our childish minds did not grasp the reality that living in eastern North Dakota placed us on the front line.

At the time, there were over 150 minuteman missile sites connected to the Grand Forks AFB. I don't think this truth ever really hit home for those of us who grew up in the region. We would read in a book that Grand Forks was number 3 on a list of targets for the Soviet Union and laugh about it. As residents of a small town we saw ourselves as so provincial. “Who would ever want to attack us North Dakotans?” We would say. The land of lefse and lutefisk. What is there to attack? Towns with nearly as many bars as churches, some roads weren't even paved, the cafe where farmers congregated in the mornings to discuss nothing more pressing than the soybean harvest. We simply did not understand what was literally under our feet. It was nothing personal. If we had met our Russian counterparts we may have had a lot in common.

Age has brought a new perspective to that scenario, if it had ever unfolded. I no longer laugh that my region of the planet was high on the list of targets. To the people in charge, it is all just a grand chessboard, or like a game of Risk. Place some missiles here, away from the centers of power, where the elite lived in their mansions and high-rises. We meant nothing more to them than collateral damage. We were not people in their eyes but the sacrificial lambs for the glory of the United States.

The cold war was history's largest pissing contest, an attempt to fill the power void left after WWII. Although it was presented as such, it was not to actually protect freedoms or a way of life, but to say, “my gun is bigger than yours and I have more of them”.  The irony is that while I was playing the game of war, so were the people at the top.

The pyramidal shape of the Stanley Mickelson site rises unnaturally from the beauty of the surrounding prairie. Much like the actual pyramids at Giza, it is representative of the goals of the powers that be, made possible on the backs of ordinary people. Although thousands of years separate us from the ancient Egyptians, the average person is still seen as expendable to the ruling elite of the planet. Right now in Pakistan, the Obama administration conducts drone strikes where, unfortunately, civilians are killed on a regular basis. But on paper they are just numbers in another senseless, unauthorized war. The Mickelson site should serve as a reminder to all people, no matter if they are Russian, American, or Pakistani, that the people in charge of our safety and security, really only care about their own safety and security.

Source and for additional information please visit the Cold War Tourist's Website.

http://coldwartourist.com/ 

Raising Peter to Pay Paul

Recently I became a parent for the first time. It's a very exciting time period for me. I love to watch her grow and change almost on a daily basis. But what I'm not loving so much are the reams of unwanted advice. I was warned it would happen but I had no clue how annoying it would be. Not only from people close to me but from the free baby magazines I am now receiving. The magazines irk me the most because they assume that children develop essentially at the same rate. I am finding out that is certainly not the case.

According to the magazines, my baby should be rolling around by now. However, my wee one has a different agenda in mind. She is simply content to look at toys, suck on her fingers, and watch football with her dad. Naturally I began to worry because the two different baby mags state she should be doing this by now. I've tried to show her how to do it, rolling her back and forth. I've put her on her tummy, hoping she would eventually figure it out. But she just gets mad and defiantly sucks on her fingers again. I discussed this with my brother and sister-in-law (they have 4 boys and have seen it all). They assured me that every baby is different and she will just do these things when she is ready.

The advice calmed my merves (a sort of nervousness you only acquire after becoming a mother). But this left me wondering why the magazines and books seem to push certain ideas and subsequently why we end up trying to nudge our children along before they are ready. What goal are we pushing our children toward and why?

The depressing thought struck me that the end result of all that prodding is to form a child who will one day enter the workforce and become a productive member of society. That is the only plausible reason I could come up with as to why we believe our children need to hit these milestones at certain points in their life. We do not view them as individuals, who will develop at their own pace, but as future workers for the corporation we call America. Even in these first few months of their life the expectations are already there. Graduate high school, go to college, and get a good job.

We have forgotten the value of raising a child who belongs, not to the hive, but to fulfilling their destiny as an individual under the guidance of their creator. I'm certain people in Mozambique aren't waiting for their babies to roll over, and worrying, as we do, about their development. I have read that they don't even name their children until their 1^st birthday. They are simply happy that their children are alive and basically healthy.

So many wonder what has gone wrong in our society. I believe one reason is that we don't view people as people anymore. We do not appreciate the various facets that make them who they are. Due to great advances in science and medicine, we forget how truly precious life is on this planet. It is really a first world problem to worry about whether our children are behaving like the rest. We are not content with the fact that they are here and learning to function as a human being (which I can safely say I have not fully mastered at the age of 32).

I don't know what my child will decide to do with her life. It is, after all, ultimately her decision as a free and sentient being. I've heard people say around me that their child has no option but to attend college someday. I believe we really pigeonhole our children when we make statements like these. We think we are giving them the world, when in reality we are greatly limiting what they can do with this life. It reduces them to nothing but a slave to a broken system. One in which we are taught to rob Peter to pay Paul. Where one half works to accommodate the needs of the other half.

So I watch as my baby lies comfortably on her playmat, staring up in wonder at the various toys above her. She seems content for now. I know she will gain more mobility on her time. Until then, I will facilitate her needs and simply be happy that she is here with me. I hope to give her an agenda free life where she isn't sent on a path to support a dysfunctional system.

And Lead Us Not Into Temptation

It seems that from infancy we are tempted.  I have a newborn in the house and it has been fascinating to watch her go one from phase to the next.  She recently found her hands and those things are in her mouth constantly now.  I pull her little hands away, and half a second later they are back.  Childhood developmental specialists may disagree, but I see a little gleam in her eyes when she stuffs her phalanges back into her gummy recesses.

I don't truly know when temptation starts but I do know, as human beings, we will spend most of our lives battling it.  Whether it's to have that extra potato chip (or two, or twelve more) or to watch that extra hour of television when you need to go to bed.  It seems to be an ever present force in our lives.  

Finally it occurred to me that the best way to avoid temptation is to eliminate the triggers that cause the condition.  I have a Facebook account and found that I was checking it far too often.  It wouldn't be such an issue but I have three novels started and obviously they are not finished.  Although I have a lot of friends that I talk to only on that medium, due to my misuse I decided to cancel my account. 

I have been Facebook free for almost two weeks now and it has been a truly liberating experience.  I had no idea how much I had been checking my account throughout the day.  It has inspired me to remove one temptation at a time.  I now turn off the coffeemaker after drinking two cups of coffee for the day.  I also liked to have a couple glasses of wine to relax on the weekend and I've replaced that with seltzer water. 

I would be lying if I said I've removed all temptations from my life, those are just a few (chocolate mmmm...yummy chocolate).  I truly believe that as human beings we should strive to be the best we can be.  Life should be an evolution.  Our spiritual health is the foundation for everything else.  We need to be strong on the inside before working on the outside, otherwise we risk building a house on sand.

Having a strong relationship with God is essential.  The best analogy is to think of yourself as a computer.  On the surface you look operational but on the inside you may be filled with viruses.  You've been moving sluggishly and didn't know why.  These viruses or negative spiritual entities have attached themselves to you, causing a system slow down.  God is a lot like the administrator, the only one with access to clear your hard drive and install a firewall for your mind.  You could try to do this on your own but if you miss one or two viruses than your whole computer is still at risk.

I am removing what I can, as far as temptation, but only God has the necessary access to clear out the rest.  I hope that as my child grows that she is not faced with too much in the way of temptation such as drinking or smoking (or ugh, the dreaded boy problems).  I know I can help her by relating my own personal experiences and only her strong relationship with God will keep all of that at bay.  But at this stage of her life all I can do is to patiently remove her hands from her mouth and know that it will probably happen again.  :)     

La Musica Te Gusta

Years ago I began my college career and as an English major the revision process is a large part of creative writing.  Alas, I decided that even my blog was not exempt from this and I needed to reread past entries.  I was prepared to be horrified at how I've displayed myself to the world.  Instead, I found that well...I find myself interesting.  Is that narcissistic, vain?  Maybe.  Or maybe I'm just a typical Aries, who is constantly amused by herself.

While reading through past entries I found the most troubling aspect was that I had not done a blog on music.  Music is one of my first loves besides the wonderful world of books and reading.  My parents took a picture of me when I was an infant, wearing huge headphones, and my eyes look scared, yet mystified at the sounds coming from the vinyl and rubber cradling my head.  I've looked at this picture a number of times and wondered what I was listening to.  Was it something from Houses of the Holy by Led Zeppelin?  Devo?  The Dire Straits?  Bob Seger?

I do not state those bands arbitrarily.  My dad doesn't remember.  He was the music aficionado and owns a large collection of albums (of which I stand to inherit upon his unfortunate demise).  Although the band is undetermined, I know that the feeling still remains.  I will always love music. When I've had a bad day, it lifts me up, when I've had an overstimulating day, it levels me.  It is my equalizer.

In honor of my love of music I will list my top five favorite albums, not in any particular order:

1)  Massive Attack-Mezzanine.  Every song makes you feel like you're in a Matrix movie.  I don't know how much more winning you can get than that.

2)  Coldplay-Parachutes.  The lyrics, the music, it all comes together divinely in this album.

3)  Fiona Apple-Tidal.  I think what most impresses me is that she wrote this when she was around 18.  If I had tried to write lyrics at that age they would have been about drinking on a dirt road.  The song would have been called Bendering and...actually it may have been a hit on the country music charts.  Damn I should get on that!

4)  *sigh* As much as I would love to totally dislike them because I'm brainwashed by Trey Parker and Matt Stone, U2-The Joshua Tree.  Nearly every song on that album is a top 40 hit.  I really don't know, creatively, what happened to U2, but this is the top of their Couric, and it sure feels good to be there.

5)  A Perfect Circle-Thirteenth Step.  I really think this album needs to be made into a rock opera.  The highs, the lows, I feel like I'm Judy Garland in a post Wizard of Oz world.  Quick!  Get me a Quaalude with a cup of coffee!

There you have it.  I hope you, at the very least, sample the songs on these albums.  A lot of work was put into the music that has kept me going throughout the years.  That is a feat unto itself.  :)            

7 Things You Probably Don't Care to Know About Me...

I am participating in a chain blog message.  I hate chain messages of any sort, like the forwards you receive through texts stating: If you don't pass this on you will have bad luck for X amount of time (so don't send me those!).  But at the behest of Devin Berglund, another blogger, I am going to give this one a spin.  Mostly to see what seven things I will pick. :)  I should really re-title this, Things You Probably Didn't Know About Me.

1.  My mom was involved in a religious cult when I was young.  I remember a man in a black robe with a rope tied around his middle delivering the services.  Obviously she broke free and went on to speak against cults to many students and churches over the years.  I have been fascinated with them ever since.  I recommend the book, Snapping: America's Epidemic of Sudden Personality Change, by Flo Conway and Jim Siegelman, for additional reading on the topic.

2.  I eat the same snack virtually every night.  A mixture of almonds, dark chocolate, and dried cranberries.  I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and my blood sugar levels respond well to this concoction.  I may even keep this snack and the gestational diabetes diet after pregnancy.  I actually lost a few pounds when I first started but don't worry I had fat reserves to draw from and it didn't affect the baby.

3.  Politically I am a Libertarian and in regards to religion I am a Christian.  This fits the blog entry perfectly because people hate to discuss their affiliations.  When I say I'm a Christian I mean exactly that.  I don't pick and choose what I think will work for me from the Bible.  I understand I am imperfect and not following God's entire word and I expect to be held accountable for my behavior someday.  It is also why I have a hard time attending churches affiliated with the ELCA now.  As an organization, they have decided to pick and choose, like they are picking out ice cream toppings, and that is completely disrespectful to God.  My political beliefs have also hardened over time (dare I start using the word crotchety?).  I remember my misspent youth and how "open my mind was".  Looking back, my moral compass was all over the place and I wasted a lot of time on very foolish things.

4.  I am awful to travel with, especially on long flights.  My poor, poor husband probably has visions of shooting me with a tranq gun on these voyages.  It starts out well but I quickly degrade into an irritable, complaining mess.  By the end of it, I wish I had tranquilized myself.  For instance, when we traveled to Germany it took me at least three days to even resemble a civil human being.  I said awful things, broke down in tears, stormed off not once but twice, etc...you get the point.  I love the experiences I've had traveling but for me and my traveling companions there is a price to pay and it's almost worse than the cost of the ticket.

5.  I had my fifteen minutes of fame on television and it was mortifying.  I was involved in the dance team my senior year of high school and we were asked to perform at the North Dakota State Class B basketball tournament.  It was on local television and my grandparents taped the event.  I eventually watched the tape and they did a close up of me.  It was all good until I realized they did a close up of me and my giant pit stain.  Unfortunate timing but it makes for a funny story.

6.  I love reading books from the author Betty Neels before bed.  She is a celebrated author in circles of the Harlequin variety.  I particularly love these books because of their innocence (the dude gets a kiss from the lady and that's about it).  They generally follow the same plot structure.  Young gal from England, in meager circumstances, meets handsome older gentleman, who is usually Dutch.  They are forced to work and/or be together due to a social arrangement and eventually they fall in love.  It's formulaic but soothing.  These books are my Ambien.

7.  I almost went to work on a dude ranch!  It seems inconceivable to me that I would even consider that, knowing how long it takes me to get ready.  But in 2002 I was accepted to work in Durango, Colorado.  I was deciding in between that and living with my friend Jess in Fargo.  Funny how things work out.  If I had decided to head to Colorado, I probably wouldn't be married to my husband and best friend.  I'd be married to some cowboy and we'd have little bowlegged children running around.  :)             

All Roads Lead to Mediocrity and The Death of the Space Shuttle Program

During my last semester of college I took a history course on the rise of the Third Reich.  It was endlessly fascinating and one of my favorite classes.  I was tasked to do a report on Nazi weapons development.  I had little knowledge of the topic.  My primary focus was on the V weapons programs, the V-1 and V-2 rockets.  In order to gain a better understanding of these weapons my husband and I made a trip to Hutchinson, Kansas to a place called the Cosmosphere. 

The Cosmosphere is truly a diamond in the rough of Americana.  It is one of only a few places in the world where a surviving V-1 and V-2 rocket are on display.  It also houses a chronological development of the space program as we know it today.  Now that the space shuttle programs have officially ended, the importance of this museum cannot be underestimated.  It is a receptacle of dreams, of those who looked up at the stars in wonderment.  People like Dr. Goddard, and Wernher von Braun.  Their vision was simple, how to go from point A to point B.  In a post WWII world, their dreams became reality and the United States became the pioneer and leader of the race to space.

Harriet Tubman once said, "Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world".  Unfortunately with the death of the space shuttle program and NASA budget cuts under the Obama administration, we are being told the stars are too far.  Americans are now encouraged to strive for mediocrity, to stay on the same level playing field as everyone else.  

The space shuttle program represented more than just mankind's desire to explore beyond its boundaries.  It symbolized the spirit of the individual that made our nation great.  The United States succeeded where others failed simply because the ideas were organic and freedom of expression was allowed.  They were not coerced or brought about by threats.  It is that very same spirit that is threatened today.  We are being told that we should all do our fair share, pay our fair share, have the same shot at the opportunities in this country.  What this creates is a hive-like mentality.  Instead of working for our own individual goals as deemed by our creator, we are putting the collective ahead of our own needs.  

The collective rarely ever gives back what it takes.  It will take your tax money to pay for everything everyone else wants, it will take your individual privacy for the sake of the safety of the herd, it has no restraint and like locusts in a field it will strip away everything.  Our founding fathers knew how dangerous the collective was to freedom.  They put certain checks and balances into our Constitution to prevent the death of the individual.  However, we seem to have arrived at a juncture where our leaders no longer heed those words that were meant to protect us.

The loss of the space shuttle program and the NASA budget cuts are highly symbolic of a President who not only wants to level the playing field in his own country but to make us subservient to the rest of the world.  Any student of history will acknowledge that someone always fills the void of supremacy on the world's stage.  I fear these maneuvers will only leave our nation vulnerable in the eyes of those who wish to usurp us.  Losing these programs represents the decline of America into a scientific and technological dark age from which we may never recover.  

So I leave you readers with this photo.  The juxtaposition of the death of the shuttle program and the beacon of freedom that welcomed those who had very little and only a dream in their heart.  Although achieving success and reaching as high as you can dream are no longer encouraged, I hope the younger generations will look back and realize what was lost.  Not just the ability to go where no man has gone before but the loss of the American dream.     

                     

    
              

For My Daughter: Things I Won't Find on a Baby Registry

Over the years, as I've aged, my opinions have varied but only recently I have felt them solidify into immovable pillars.  It could simply be a natural evolution as a person moves towards the middle of their life.  At any rate, my worldview has shifted considerably in the last decade.  

Circumstances may have propelled me into cementing my ideologies before the birth of my child.  My greatest wish for her is that she lives a life less ordinary.  It frightens me to see so many people eagerly and mindlessly jump on board with the latest trends or Hollywood fads such as the recent Hunger Games phenomena or Harry Potter or Twilight, etc...Or how quickly they want to snap up the latest cellphones and gadgetry.  My hope is that her world is not defined by well...things of this world.

I may be accused of being naive at this point.  I realize she will still have to exist in this world.  She will have to go to school, work, date, experience joy and pain.  However, this is her temporary home as it is for all of us.  Our forever home is with God. 

Too many people, especially parents, neglect the forging of a relationship with God. They buy their children the best of everything, filling their rooms with items that will degrade over time.  As I've been putting her room together I momentarily got caught up in wanting the most highly reviewed crib or the best stroller or car seat.  Every parent wants the best for their child but I woke up somewhere along the line and realized that these items do not last.  It's the morals that I, as parent, impart to her, that will last a lifetime and beyond.  If properly set, her spiritual foundation will never decay. 

As I look back on my own childhood, I recognize that, while my own parents were not perfect, they set examples that I have carried with me.  My father chose to stop drinking and has been sober for over two decades.  His choice made our family better and as the eldest it had a significant impact on me.  It showed me that people are capable of turning aside from negative and destructive behavior.


My mother spoke out against religious cults.  She would travel around to various churches and schools, highlighting the dangers of these organizations.  At one point she spoke to over five hundred students.  Watching this growing up, implanted the seeds of how powerful knowledge is and how it can be used in such harmful and beneficial ways.  It is also why I feel it so necessary to censor not only my own mind but the mind of my child.

These lessons won't be found on any baby registry or in any store.  No sum of money will be able to buy the items on this wishlist.  I truly hope I will not falter in my quest for her to have a good relationship with God and to be more than the sum of the material goods that she owns.  I feel incredibly blessed to have this time to write this for her.  I know I will make mistakes as a parent.  I know we will have disagreements and she'll go running to her dad because, let's face it, he'll be the fun one. :)  I hope, when I'm upset, that I reread this and remember the promises that I made to her.

         

   

               

Kubrick's Chimps and the Evolution of Technology

Roughly three years ago I obtained my first cell phone. I was in my late twenties and had survived with a land line up until that point. It seems a bit shocking now considering there are 10 year olds running around with their own cell phones. My cell is a very basic model with just a small screen and a flip out keyboard. I've never tried to connect to the internet with it, only sending texts and making phone calls.

Fast forward those few years and I am now in the minority. Most of my friends own smartphones. They whip out those slim, shiny devices, making mine look like it belongs in the Smithsonian or something dug up at an archaeological site. I find myself thinking of the opening scene of Stanley Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey when we have our respective phones on display. When the chimps discover a black, rectangular object outside their cave they waiver in between awe and outright hostility. I won't be pummeling any smartphones with my fists or stroking them lovingly, but I have to wonder if, like the chimps, we are ready for this evolution?

Technology has seen exponential growth in the last few decades. When I was young I worked with floppy disks on a Tandy Radio Shack computer. The only colors on the screen were the classic green and black. We had dot matrix printers where the paper jammed on average every five minutes. The sound of a dot matrix needs to be experienced firsthand at least once in this life. I pity the children who grow up in a world not hearing the cacophony of sounds emitted by those hardworking machines.

The youth of today may think a floppy disk refers to a specialty item in Frisbee. And the crude green and black graphics of the game, Cosmic Fighter, would hardly capture the attention of gamers who are accustomed to full color depictions of a virtual world. But as our technology progressed has our maturity level risen to the occasion or fallen by the wayside?

Recently this was demonstrated while persons I was interacting with continued to play games or text while having a conversation. It may be that we have not yet grasped the fundamentals of functioning in a world where distractions are rife. Many societal observers have commented on this and I won't expound upon what others have thoroughly dissected.

The looming question then remains, where do we go from here? Clearly there is an insatiable need for the next gadget to hit the market. Lines of people wait eagerly for the latest generation iPhone or newest gaming console to appear on the shelves. A void, a black hole of sorts has appeared. One in which technology cannot move fast enough. The masses snatch up the next upgrade with the ferocity of a bridesmaid clawing at a thrown bouquet. But as we do this little consideration is given as to what we are allowing to take root in our society.

The great naturalist, Edward Abbey, in his book Desert Solitaire, warned of the dangers of a society that wielded new found technologies with the reckless abandon of a child. He stated that, "Technology adds a new dimension to the process by providing modern despots with instruments far more efficient than any available to their classical counterparts." He goes on to mention that most oppressive regime, Nazi Germany, "Surely it is no accident that the most thorough of tyrannies appeared in Europe's most thoroughly scientific and industrialized nation."

People in America are under more surveillance than ever before. We even voluntarily give up this information when those with smartphones check into stores or public places that they visit. Cameras are placed in stores, street corners, and some even opt to put them in their homes. EDR's (event data recorders) or black boxes are placed on new model cars to track the mechanisms of the car should an accident occur. Of course it is not mentioned that these devices also collect information that can be used against you, the owner of the vehicle, in a court of law. Of course we all know that our cell phones can be tracked by GPS, pinpointing the location of an individual in a matter of minutes. Hitler and Reinhard Heydrich would have had a field day with this technology.

Innovations in technology can be used in a beneficial manner. Medical advancements can save lives. Some would not be alive today without the advent of the ventilator or the defibrillator. However we need to concede that a dark side has emerged from our rapid progress. Intrusions upon privacy run largely unchecked. Most of us have nothing to hide but allowing our lives to be on display degrades the very spirit of the individual. We become apart of a hive-like mentality instead of the sovereign beings that God intended us to be. It is not the collective that assists you when you meet your maker, you are judged based solely on your individual actions in this life.

Like the chimps in Kubrick's masterpiece, we have come to a juncture where the evolution of technology has not paralleled our ability to handle it. It invades the sovereignty of our lives and ultimately could lead to an overreaching network that could easily be manipulated by the wrong person in power. I do not ask that people cease and desist their playing of Angry Birds on their phone but we need to question what the endgame is. Are we driving this forward or are we being driven to a place where there is no return? Where we, because of a new shiny object, are too distracted to realize that the thing we hold in our hands has all the power.