Just a Small Town Girl

I grew up in small town North Dakota, population of about six hundred. When I was young it seemed interminably dull. Occasionally I would visit my grandparents down in the Twin Cities and as we drew closer the excitement would build. The interstate seemed to me like a rushing river bringing me ever closer to the glamorous sights and sounds of the metropolis. The tallest building we had was the grain elevator, anything larger than that was awe-inspiring.

As I grew older I daydreamed constantly of traveling the world and visiting cities like New York and Los Angeles. I even started a travel club in sixth grade. Of course I was the president and we would call various convention and visitors bureaus for travel literature. My parents bought me a filing cabinet one Christmas to store all my travel material. I didn't know what I would find out in the world but it had to be better than my small town that, to my youthful eyes, seemed to have nothing to offer.

Eventually my dreams of travel came true. I traveled to Washington DC when I was I was thirteen. The view from my hotel room consisted of an endless expanse of concrete with not one green thing to be found. I also watched a homeless man wash windows with newspaper for the first time. I nicknamed him George and every day I would watch him frogger his way out to the cars when the light turned red. I sat on a crowded bus and jostled my way through the crowds to the major tourist sites. What had seemed so exciting at first was beginning to lose its flare.

But the travel bug still persisted. I was, after all, president of a travel club. My parents brought us on various little trips here and there throughout high school. After graduation I road tripped with my friends to Chicago. I saw bars on the windows of homes for the first time and a man on the L train who was covered in filth and kept cleaning his hands with the same dirty cloth. Chicago was my first real taste of big city life outside of tourist areas. The siren song of the metropolis was beginning to sound a little off-key.

I took a hiatus from traveling for a while. In 2006 my husband, mother-in-law, and I made the trek to Germany. While parts of the country were spectacular I do remember seeing the rats in the subway in Munich and the druggies in the subway of Frankfurt. I also experienced my first extremely full train where the whole journey was spent shoulder to shoulder to the person next to you. The next trip was Maui. It was beautiful and the people, as cliché as it sounds, were genuinely nice and wonderful. It didn't feel crowded although they receive millions of tourists each year. But Maui is an anomaly. I returned to the states to crowded airports and rude security people. We also visited Las Vegas and while all of the buildings on the strip are far taller than grain elevators they no longer held an allure for me.

The veil had been lifted for me and I began to realize that my small town had elements that a big city could never hope to achieve. There were no bars on windows and people left their doors unlocked, I never once saw a rat in a public place, there were no homeless people because we took care of our own. I didn't have to board a crowded train or bus to get to my destination. The largest expanse of concrete was the parking lot at the grocery store or the church and even the sidewalks had grass growing between the cracks. There are places that I still wish to visit especially after my child is born but the illusions of my youth have faded. They are now replaced with the reality that the majority of the world lives in a hive-like state of existence, never really enjoying the splendors of solitude. What was once dull to me is a gleaming beacon of hope that there are still places where the individual reigns and is not dependent on the ebb and flow of the flow of the city.

Theosophy and The Occult: Part II-Bearing the Fruit

In 2004 I joined a message board entitled, Unknown Country. It was a take off of Whitley Streiber's UFO encounters and his popular book, Communion, which was turned into a movie starring Christopher Walken. Little did I know it would truly take me beyond the unknown and into territories I'd rather not explore.

Up until the Fall of 2007 I thought I'd been the unwilling victim of alien experiments. That sounds really absurd in my current frame of mind. I had read every book I could get my hands on regarding UFO's and aliens. From an early age I truly believed that E.T.'s existed and that they were here to benefit humanity. I came to see many years later that this was a clever game at my expense. This was no fault of my parents. They simply didn't know what I was reading. I'd retire to my room for hours on end, placing signs on my door, requiring total privacy. High school, for the most part, was me exploring Theosophy, Extraterrestrials, and "meditating". I didn't know what path it would lead me down.

From my basis with Theosophy I developed a love for power, thinking it would lead to some great spiritual evolution (read part one of this series). If I could think it, so shall it be. I thought I could control every scenario presented to me. But that turned out to be woefully inaccurate. The first few serious boyfriends I had were a representation of this. I tried to mold them, controlling every aspect of the relationship. It worked...for a while. Then the clay began to unravel. When that occurred, the master mason, didn't like the results. I eventually married but kept my domineering ways.

Marriage didn't change too much and I continued my quest down, what I call, the power path. I joined multiple message boards. I conversed with the operators of those boards, like Jim Marrs, and Whitley Streiber. I even contacted Uri Geller one time thinking the spoon-bending magnifico would impart some of his knowledge. His response was lackluster and I was left craving something more. I thought these, more knowledgeable people, could lead me to something better.

I started to have nightmares. I did not equate my dabbling into the New Age or occult fields as contributing to my often chaotic nights. For a time it actually drove me further into my New Age studies. I started dabbling in Wicca, thinking I could do spells to drive away the entities that plagued me at night. The situation only became more tenuous. In the summer of 2007 I was having nightmares for a month straight, actually waking up and screaming at night. I could feel the presence of something in my room on more than one occasion. I had a very vivid encounter of being taken beyond the stars to a place where giants lived. It was a long encounter and it came to be understood that these were the Nephilim from the old testament in the Bible (I may present a blog about that encounter at a later date).

As time progressed I became more desperate. Obviously turning to the New Age movement or Wicca had not worked. But, alas, salvation, appeared. It's hard to describe unless you've been drawn back from the brink. I remember reading in bed one night in September of 2007, while my husband slept peacefully, and just dreading going to sleep. I would read as long as possible and then try to get some shut eye before work. Instantly a thought popped into my head, "Why don't you ask God for help?" I had not talked to God like that in a long time. For years I labeled myself as an Agnostic, brainwashing myself into believing aliens had created us based on the texts of Jim Marrs (who I still respect in some ways), and Zechariah Sitchin.

The thought began to form that maybe these aliens were not really otherworldly at all. I began to dwell upon the possibility that they were sent by a dark and malicious force to trick us into believing that God did not really create us. The ultimate deception by the one who would want to rule us. I had tried everything else (including Ambien and Lunesta which gave me hallucinations and chest pains), so I thought what the heck and asked God to help me sleep. To my astonishment I slept that night and many nights after that.

Ever since that September I have been forging a new relationship with God and I have come to accept Jesus as the guy who pulled me away from the edge of a very dark abyss. I have seen God work miracles in my life and the lives of my family and friends. I still struggle spiritually and during those times I am more prone to nightmares. But it's usually God telling me I've got to straighten out another wrinkle I didn't realize was there. I do not have near the experiences I did when I was ignoring God.

When I asked him for help that night it was sort of a half-hearted, "yeah we'll see what happens". Some may argue it was the power of my own suggestion. Not to be too prideful, but my mind is far too over-analytical to ever trick myself into anything. If you know me you'll probably be nodding your head at this point. If there are others who struggle at night or have these odd experiences it may be worth a shot to simply ask God for help. He loves and wants to help us and he doesn't give up easily. I am a testament to the years he has spent waiting for me to come around.

I'll leave you with this verse:
And he told this parable: “A man had a fig tree planted in his vineyard, and he came seeking fruit on it and found none. And he said to the vinedresser, ‘Look, for three years now I have come seeking fruit on this fig tree, and I find none. Cut it down. Why should it use up the ground?’ And he answered him, ‘Sir, let it alone this year also, until I dig around it and put on manure. Then if it should bear fruit next year, well and good; but if not, you can cut it down.’” Luke 13:6-9.

America: Post 9/11

The End of the Innocence
By: Don Henley

Remember when the days were long
And rolled beneath a deep blue sky
Didn't have a care in the world
With mommy and daddy standin' by
But "happily ever after" fails
And we've been poisoned by these fairly tales
The lawyer dwelt on small details
Since daddy had to fly

But I know a place where we can go
That's still untouched by men
We'll sit and watch the clouds roll by
And the tall grass wave in the wind
You can lay your head back on the ground
And let your hair fall all around me
Offer up your best defense
But this is the end of the innocence

O'beautiful , for spacious skies
But now those skies are threatening
They're beating plowshares into swords
For this tired old man that we elected king
Armchair warriors often fail
And we've been poisoned by these fairy tales
The lawyers clean up all details
Since daddy had to lie

But I know a place where we can go
And wash away this sin
We'll sit and watch the clouds roll by
And the tall grass wave in the wind
Just lay your head back on the ground
And let your hair spill all around me
Offer up your best defense
But this is the end
This is the end of the innocence

Who knows how long this will last
Now we've come so far, so fast
But somewhere back there in the dust
That same small town in each of us
I need to remember this
So baby give me just one kiss
And let me take a long last look
Before we say goodbye

Just lay your head back on the ground
And let your hair fall around me
Offer up your best defense
But this is the end
This is the end of the innocence

Theosophy and my Journey Into the Occult (Installment 1)

Fifteen years ago I came across a book that would lead me into a never-ending warren of twists and turns. What looked to be a way out, mired me further into this maze. In true Carroll and Orwellian fashion, left was right, up was down, and the answers I sought were not to be found (sorry couldn't resist the rhyme there). It took me ten years to realize that the carrot was on a string.

It began innocently enough, as most things do, on a Sunday trip to Barnes and Noble. It's odd how some moments remain etched in your mind, possibly to serve as a reminder. It was a beautiful, sunny, winter day. I've always loved reading and I was quite content to roam the aisles. Searching the bargain section I came across the books on religion and new age philosophy. My eyes scanned over the requisite books on Buddhism, Christianity, Judaism, until they rested on an obscure title, Theosophy: Wisdom of the Ages. Of course to my adolescent mind a book promising, of all things, the wisdom of the ages was too good to pass up. It was also suitable for my fifteen year old budget. I left, happy with my purchase, and not knowing what I had truly bought that day.

For the fortunately uninitiated, I'll give a synopsis of Theosophy. Essentially it's a philosophy that believes in an evolution of the spirit. Doesn't sound so bad, right? However, it's also rooted in Social Darwinism (survival of the fittest/natural selection) and some have accused this ideology of being the basis for the holocaust. Coincidentally their membership was at its peak in conjunction with the rise of the third reich.

It was founded by a woman named Helena Petrovna Blavatsky. She claimed to receive messages from ascended masters who influenced her writings. Here is where their philosophy begins to break down. They encourage a universality of religion and that essentially there are no boundaries. We are all one, good and evil doesn't really exist, etc...That's all good and well except that there is a hierarchy in place. She is receiving messages from ascended masters. The best analogy I can give is a leveling game or a fraternal organization (I play World of Warcraft and this analogy is not meant to offend but rather to demonstrate).

Systems, like Theosophy, WoW, or fraternal organizations, depend on titles, obtaining the next goal or level, and unlocking withheld knowledge (gear in the case of a leveling game). Humans are a curious lot in that they like to elevate themselves above their fellows. Whether it's having a nicer car, brand name clothes, or having the latest gadgets and gizmos. Even in a game we like to think we've got the best stuff or the highest skill level. I'm working on my archaeology in WoW and when I max out that skill it'll probably be fairly satisfying for about two minutes. In fraternal organizations its gotta feel pretty good to be called a Supreme Knight or an Exalted Ruler.

Similar principles apply in Theosophy. Although they claim a oneness for humanity not everyone is on the same level. I'm sure a rep for the Theosophical society could concoct some answer for me on that one. There are seven bodies that you can progress through. In the seventh body you become everything and nothing, free of the chains of this planet. But I'm pretty certain they still have to use the toilet like the rest of us. Again maybe a rep could contact me and explain how an evolved person's bowels work.

Snarkiness aside, there is no end game. Is the level cap in WoW 85 right now? Sure it is. But does that mean you are done at level 85? Or are there dungeons to grind and an endless list of achievements. If you obtain the title of Master Mason why would you still keep going to meetings? Or are there promises of more esoteric knowledge and maybe degrees unknown to the public or even other masons. I operated under this fallacy for a number of years, seeking to be more human than human. The whole forty six & 2 bit. In the next installment I will discuss how Theosophy led me into the occult and what happened as a result of that journey.