The Stain On My Heart

With the culmination of my second pregnancy, I have become very nostalgic.  I sat with my two year old and we looked through the pictures of her when she was a baby.  I am not quite sure if she understands that was her but she enjoyed looking at the pictures of the smiling, happy baby.  As I went through the photos there were many with her and daddy.  He too was smiling and happy.  It struck me that the most notable absence was myself.  When I did run across the rare picture with mommy involved, I did not seem to share the same brilliant smiles of my husband and daughter.

Looking at those pictures from the early days of parenthood, I see someone who let her insecurities and fears rob her of one of the most amazing, magical experiences life can give you.  I see in my eyes someone who was desperately trying to maintain a level of perfection, that I now realize, cannot be achieved.

My sister-in-law once commented on how clean my child's clothes were.  There were no stains on them, unlike her boy's clothes.  As I watch the video of my child's first cereal feeding, I can see how quickly I mopped up any traces of baby food.  I can see my rigid, at-the-ready, arms prepared to not let a drop spill onto her.  It makes me feel foolish and sad when I watch this video.  Kids will get dirty, clothes can be washed, faces can be mopped up with a cloth.

For the past two years, I have been hyper-vigilant.  Having a child turned up my neurotic tendencies to an eleven.  Only time has broken me down some and now my daughter does have some proudly stained shirts.  But it took two full years for this to happen.  Two full years where I felt like a prisoner to my own issues and not the mother I wanted to be.

I want to be the strong, confident mom I know is somewhere inside of me.  The one that is the anchor for her family, not the one who feels constantly adrift, wondering all the time if I am parenting correctly.  I feel that person is slowly emerging.

God has given me a second chance with the impending birth of another child.  Another chance to be in pictures with my daughters, to be smiling and happy, to have stained onesies, and arms that hold my girls, instead of arms that are ready to clean them up.  I regret not holding my firstborn daughter more and enjoying those precious first months when they really only want you.

I feel blessed that God saw my needs and my regrets, he saw the stain on my heart that I didn't see.  He didn't clean it up but allowed me to have the chance to recognize it for myself and wear it as a badge of honor.      

  

What's Good for the Goose

In 2007 I received a DTaP vaccination.  It is a combination vaccine that protects against Diphtheria, Tetanus, and Pertussis.  I had never received the 3 in 1 shot before.  I am old enough that they were separated out.  I went home with my arm a little sore.  Eventually in the days and weeks to come I began to struggle with what I knew was a reaction to the vaccine.  It felt like my body was on fire and I would take showers every night after work to calm myself.  I now understand that my body was fighting the vaccine and the nerves were inflamed in the process.   

But time healed me and I did not end up with anything more serious or long-lasting.  Unfortunately, many people each year end up with far more dire consequences such as neurological impairment after receiving a vaccination.  There is actually a "vaccine court" that has paid out millions of dollars to those who have had an adverse reaction.

When I became a parent, I knew first-hand what a vaccination can do to an adult body.  I also realize that not everyone reacts in the same manner.  I decided to delay the hepatitis B shot until a later date.  I did not think her first day on the planet needed to include an injection.  I am also a stay-at-home mom and my fears were small that she would come into contact with hep B.  

Eventually her first appointment rolled around and I had to make a decision.  As someone who has reacted to a vaccination, it was excruciating for me to do decide whether I should proceed with the normal schedule.  My reaction lasted longer than some of the illnesses that I was vaccinated for.  My fears were founded in my own experience and not tidbits I had read off of the internet.  The first pediatrician we had was, to put it bluntly, a total bitch about the issue.  She did not know my prior history and made us, as new parents, feel terrible.  I am very happy that neither her nor her children have ever reacted but that does not mean it is the same for everyone else.

I let us be bullied into those first shots.  We never returned to that doctor.  I must have checked on my daughter a zillion times that day, wondering if she would react like I did.  I was in a constant state of panic.  But she was fine and we did proceed with the rest of that vaccination series.  We found a different pediatrician and while she may not agree with us, she is letting us parent in our own way.  We have spaced out some vaccinations and no one troubles us the way they did at that first appointment.  

I am not opposed to vaccinations but I also know that what is good for the goose is not always good for the gander.  It is very easy for other parents who have never experienced a reaction to go out and get everything on the recommended vaccine schedule.  But if you have reacted it is a totally different experience as a parent.  Each shot, even if spaced out, is fraught with worry and constant supervision for the following days.  Not everyone can be vaccinated fully or on a strict timetable.  We all have different immune systems.  We are not all robots manufactured in a factory to respond appropriately to each injection of foreign matter.

So please do not preach to those who have reacted about vaccinating your children.  We know the risks on both sides and have to weigh them more carefully than someone who has never received an adverse reaction to a vaccination.     

A Guide to Gestational Diabetes

Disclaimer:  I am not a health professional.  This advice only comes from empirical knowledge of having gestational diabetes during both of my pregnancies.  These are simply tips that I am passing along to those who are seeking a little more guidance on the topic.

The first piece of advice, do not beat yourself up.  This was not because you indulged in sweets or didn't have the perfect diet.  Gestational diabetes is simply a response your body is now having in regards to your pregnancy.  That is why it is gestational diabetes.  During my first pregnancy when I failed both the 1 hour and 3 hour glucose tests, I was shocked.  My BMI was in the normal range, I did not have a sweet tooth besides the occasional chocolate, I had never kept sodas or juices in the house or a lot of junk food.  Initially I could not wrap my mind around the fact that this was something beyond my control at this point.  In order to effectively manage your GD, a positive attitude is necessary.  Let go of the mommy guilt.  There will be enough of that as you raise your child.

Mentally it can be very challenging to diet manage your GD.  Especially if you are already raising little ones or you work full-time or both.  Usually when meal times roll around you may be exhausted and the temptation to give into foods that are readily available will be great.  It is obvious that salads take more prep time than grabbing a sandwich and a bag of chips or hitting up a drive thru on the way home.  The largest motivating factor for myself was hitting my blood sugar target range.  I hated seeing a high number after a bad meal.  The disappointment that I felt left me regretting the cheeseburger and fries.  After a few of these experiences your brain won't even want those foods that cause your blood sugar to spike.

Cost is also an additional challenge.  We all know a big pot of spaghetti is certainly a cheaper and easier alternative than buying the various ingredients for a more healthy meal and preparing them.  You will learn quickly that pasta is a big no-no on with this diet.  The amount you are allotted is not worth the time and it can really spike your blood sugar.  Everyone will react differently of course but after attempts at eating my favorite pasta dishes, I ended up omitting this from my diet.

Take heart!  You can keep costs down, it is not all salads and prep work.  If you are a fan of chicken, buy lots of chicken breasts.  In my grocery store you can frequently find sales or bulk packs of chicken.  For my evening meal I would pair baked chicken with any kind of veggie.  We live in a wonderful age of microwavable steamers.  I frequently find these on sale at Target.  It is very easy to bake a chicken and then microwave your veggie.  Voila!  There is your meal.  If you are pressed for time bake lots of chicken at once and have it for the next couple of days.  Then all you have to do is wait the 5 to 7 minutes for your vegetable to cook.  I know when I started this diet I thought a meal like that would not fill me up.  But it did.  In between the protein and the fiber from the veggies, I felt full.  I also had extra energy from all the protein I was eating.

We also live in the age of thin breads.  Remember the sandwich I mentioned earlier?  I loved my sandwich and chips for lunch.  Now they sell these quaint little thin breads that I would fill with chicken or egg salad.  And I would have a side of baby carrots with that.  It is a variation but you still get the crunchy part with a slightly smaller sandwich.  You could also use a tortilla and make a wrap.

At this point I need to mention water.  Drink, drink, drink.  We should be drinking a lot of water during pregnancy but with GD you need to be even more vigilant about your intake.  This is especially important if you have had a heavy meal.  Slipped up and had a few too many slices of pizza?  Start drinking that water girl like a camel and your bump is a hump.  Water will help stabilize those sugars.  It will not exactly fix the mistake but it will bring your levels down faster.  Do not think you can eat bad and drink water everyday.  I had a St. Patty's day where I indulged a little too much in cake and no amount of water was bringing that number down.

Speaking of pizza.  There is no need to part ways with this friend that is beloved around the world.  Two words: thin crust.  With GD I was able to eat 2 relatively large slices of thin crust pizza from a take and bake place.  Again, this is not something you would do every night but I used it as a little reward for a good week of eating.

While on the topic of fast food, I know that many major chains offer salads or wraps now.  My willpower is not very good so I ended up saying goodbye to most of these places.  It was just easier for me.  Places that serve tacos seemed to have the best carb counts.  I could have two soft shell tacos and not be over the allotted number of carbs for that meal.  If you travel frequently you will need to have access to the number of carbohydrates at these restaurants.  Thankfully most places now have that available and it shouldn't be too large of an issue.

It is afternoon and you need a snack.  Traditionally you could probably grab a muffin or a banana but with GD those are not very good options.  Bananas are loaded with sugar as are muffins.  I ate a lot of hard-boiled eggs.  They do take time to peel and if your blood sugar is dropping than a faster option is yogurt.  Buy lots of yogurt.  It is usually on sale and is a quick way to get that snack in.  For my snack at night I made my own trail mix.  The trail mix that you buy at the store is usually more expensive and comes with unnecessary sugar.  I would buy the big containers of almonds from any grocery-selling store, dried cranberries from Target (they are super-cheap there), and throw in some pieces of dark chocolate chips.  Dark chocolate is easier on your blood sugar.  I could eat about a handful or so of this for a snack.  It was actually a snack that my husband I still enjoy.

These are just a few of the many tidbits that I picked up while having GD during my first pregnancy and now again with my second.  I may do a second part to this because there is much more to cover.  It may seem daunting at first to overhaul your diet but after a few days it just becomes second nature.  And after a couple of weeks your are a pro.  Keep your chin up!  Remember it is only something that lasts for a few months out of your life.  It may be difficult to keep that perspective as you jab your finger four times a day but think of it as a science experiment or a challenge.  Personally, having a glucose monitor changed some of my eating habits forever.  :) 

               

Where Have All The Flowers Gone

“How can there be too many children? That is like saying there are too many flowers.” – Mother Teresa

Abortion.  Say the word on social media or in certain company and you are likely to regret bringing it up.  But the practice remains and so the debate will wage on as long as it is acceptable within some circles.  In my over three decades on the planet, few things shock me or leave me wondering.  However since becoming a parent for the first time, mothers who support abortion have me puzzled.

The experience of growing a life is a profound experience.  It sounds cliche but there is really nothing like it.  With both of my babies I felt the changes happening in the first two weeks.  It literally feels like something growing, rooting into your body.  With my first pregnancy I didn't understand what the experience would mean for me or how it would change me.  Now with my second, I am in awe of how quickly life forms.  Even at an ultrasound at 10 weeks, I could see tiny little arms and legs sprouting from my child's torso.  It took only those few weeks and my baby was already a tiny human.

Of course science would disagree with me.  At this stage, I believe it is called a fetus and before that an embryo.  To me my children were always my children, they were always my babies.  And as they grow older and come home from school talking about those clinical terms, I will tell them that sometimes teachers aren't always right, sometimes scientists aren't always right.  I will tell them that they were always humans who deserved to be here as much as anybody else.

 I believe that is why I have such a hard time understanding how a mother, who has gone through the experience of pregnancy, could support abortion.  From your very first appointment you hear the heartbeat, and later on you may have one or more ultrasounds, showing you exactly what is happening inside your body.  With technological advances, there is little mystery to the process anymore.  And I had hoped this demystification would lead to a revolution of thought, that life forms very quickly and that is should be treated with respect.  

In the state of Minnesota, for instance, there are fines and punishment if you are caught uprooting the state flower, a Ladyslipper.  Why do we not afford the same protection to our fellow humans?  The quote from Mother Teresa seems to speak of her own puzzlement at the situation.  How can we disregard something that brings such joy to our hearts and to the world?  Is parenting challenging?  Sure it is but the child that we grew, will allow us to grow in ways we could never even imagine.  I only know this from going through the process and this is not said from not having experienced it myself.

My hope is that one day humanity will look back and wonder why we let this detestable practice continue.  Why did we allow millions of opportunities for growth and joy to be cruelly ripped from this planet with less regard than taking a weed out of a garden.  While I may never understand why some mothers agree with abortion, I know that eventually technology will be a force for good in this situation.  It will show us even more of how human life progresses and why we need to protect the voiceless because they are the most in need of guardians after all.  

  

     

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Information Noise Age

A few years ago I read a paper entitled, "The Mind Has No Firewall".  This was in relation to the potential for psychological warfare on the battlefield and how to protect the mind from external stimuli.  I have read it a few times since and the topic endlessly fascinates me.  Here is a quote that will give a better understanding of this type of warfare:

"Solntsev also examined the problem of "information noise," which creates a dense shield between a person and external reality. This noise may manifest itself in the form of signals, messages, images, or other items of information. The main target of this noise would be the consciousness of a person or a group of people. Behavior modification could be one objective of information noise; another could be to upset an individual's mental capacity to such an extent as to prevent reaction to any stimulus. Solntsev concludes that all levels of a person's psyche (subconscious, conscious, and "superconscious") are potential targets for destabilization."

Upon reading this I began to wonder, what sort of information noise do I already have in my life that is not allowing me to fully interact with my environment?  Of course the usual suspects pop up: social media, texting on my cell phone, online gaming, a television that is on too much.  It struck me as highly ironic and funny that a tactic the military considers using against their enemies is one that we voluntarily engage in on a daily basis.   

Information noise is probably the least understood but most relevant issue facing humanity today.  The rapid progress of technology has fundamentally changed the way we perceive and interact with our world today.  Recently, I unfriended someone on a social media site because we simply were not getting along well online.  I was then accused of erasing them from my life.  Our online presence has become so immersed into our real lives that we forget that the two are separate but not equal.

So how do we deal with all of this external stimulation and remember that we are carbon-based beings and not online avatars?  How do we create a firewall for the mind but still engage in facets of modern society?  We simply press the button.  Shut off the computer and literally shut off the phone.  Technology breaks are a necessity of our society. 

I recently took a forced break due to circumstances beyond my control.  I have to say it was very refreshing and it actually wasn't long enough.  My brain had become accustomed to checking my phone every 10 minutes and it was difficult at first.  A lot of self-talk helped.  I had to remind myself that if someone was really hurt or in trouble they would contact my husband.  I had to remember that I grew up in a house with a land line and that was the only way people could get in touch with me.  It was perfectly acceptable then and it shouldn't be any different now. 

So while we cannot truly create a firewall for our minds or block everything out, we can unplug from the system.  The constant barrage of information noise is not a necessity of a healthy lifestyle.  In fact, many recent studies are showing how harmful it can be overall to a person's health.  From sitting too long, or staring too long at a screen, or forgetting that we are not our online personas. 

Here is the link to the article, "The Mind Has No Firewall".

http://strategicstudiesinstitute.army.mil/pubs/parameters/articles/98spring/thomas.htm