Happy Birthday A-Fresh

It is my husband's birthday today and in honor of this occasion I am devoting a blog entry to him.  I met Andrew almost 13 years ago.  We were both working at a casino.  He was a fresh-faced youth right out of high school and I was on my way back to college after the summer spent working.  I never expected a friendship to last after that summer and I certainly could not foresee eventually marrying and having children with him.    

When we were parting ways that August, he wrote his university contact information on a piece of cardboard.  It is funny the things that we remember.  Maybe that cardboard was symbolic.  It wasn't on my hand, which could be wiped off, or a piece of paper easily ruined.  It was something more solid and stable than that.  I didn't see that in him at the time but that is who is he, someone steadfast and true to his word.  Someone who wouldn't go away.   

We kept in contact through email mostly and over Christmas break we met up at the casino again.  I was seeing someone else by this time and he tried to persuade me to end it.  But geographically it would have been difficult so I declined the offer.  Soon we were both seeing other people.  The emails stopped coming and I believed that was the end of our friendship.  Looking back, I see how God had to have had a hand in our eventual marriage.  The sequence of events were too uncanny. 

Eventually our relationships ended at the same time roughly and we sought each other out again.  But I still saw him as the young guy from the casino and while we dated, I didn't think he was to be my mister forever after.  If there is one thing about Andrew that should be noted,  he is persistent.  I have watched him call people over and over again until he gets an answer.  It used to annoy me but now I see that is probably why we are together.  A less hearty man would have given up on me, as I sent out the vibes that I was no longer that interested.  But he stayed and I began to see in him the potential that existed for a long-lasting, happy life together.

Time and God's will took over, and we eventually married.  I am not going to whitewash it and say it was idyllic.  The first few years we were still very young and not emotionally developed.  He was 22 and I was 24.  There were times when I didn't know how long we would last.  But we forged ahead and stuck with it.  And then we had a child together.  I thought I had seen all sides to my husband in the course of over 10 years together but then I saw how he loved our child.  He has a patience with her and a tenderness that only make me love him more.  I don't know why I thought there was a cap on the amount of love you could feel but he has proved me wrong.

So this blog is my ode to him.  To the man who helped me get through college, stood by me during my darkest times, held my hand when there were tragedies, makes me laugh every day, pokes fun at me so that I don't take things too seriously, does the dishes for me when I cut my finger, walks the dog every day even in bitter cold, grabs me Burger King to indulge my pregnancy cravings, etc...Happy birthday my dear husband.  P.S. If I ever make you mad, just refer to this blog and remember all the nice things I told the world about you. ;)   

                  

True Colors

We all have bad habits.  Some of us bite our nails, some of us smoke, or drink.  I have an unusual bad habit: I like to assume that people know my heart.  I don't know when this started or why.  It could be the product of small town life.  Gossip travels fast in those communities and you don't want to be known as a bad apple, or at least I didn't.  I got decent grades, showed up for jobs on time, and tried to keep my side of the street relatively clean.

After a while you know that others view you as a trustworthy person.  So this is the naive attitude I took with me into the wide world after graduation.  It worked fine in college dorms because they are like small communities.  But then I got into the corporate world.  Suddenly, it didn't matter anymore.  It didn't matter what my heart said or who I knew myself to be.  If you swiped your badge more than three times, you got punished.  If you accidentally took a longer break than you were supposed to, there was feedback.  If you missed work too many times due to things out of your control, well you get the point.

Ever so slowly, I realized that I didn't matter.  My core being meant nothing to society.  I was a cog in a machine and I had to act accordingly.  My worth only came from fulfilling certain functions.  So the person that I presented to the world, the one that lives in my heart began to hide, to disappear.  You learn to compartmentalize yourself.  Now as a parent, I see that same theme repeating itself.  I am not complaining about parenting but with a second child on the way, I find myself disappearing even more.  I see that I need to fulfill certain requirements and that what I have in my heart doesn't matter.  If I complain about it, I am seen as a bad parent or selfish, although I know I love my children very much. 

And while the rest of the world doesn't seem to understand my worries or concerns, my mother does and she sees my heart.  I came across a passage in the Bible that helped me understand why people, even close to me, just didn't understand me, or know that while I may have grievances about life, my heart was true.  In Matthew 11:27 it states,

"All things are delivered unto me of my Father: and no man knoweth the Son, but the Father; neither knoweth any man the Father, save the Son, and he to whomsoever the Son will reveal him."

This is the bond I believe God gives us between parent and child.  Your child may be acting out in rotten ways, throwing things, or screaming, but you can look in their eyes and see their heart.  You can see that these things are external, that their actions are not who they are.  This passage helped me make sense of why time and time again it only seems that your mom or dad understands you.  Not even your spouse, or your friends.  

Most parenting is unconditional love because they brought you onto this planet and bear a great responsibility for you, even as you age.  There are certainly conditions with the love you have between you and your spouse and you and a friend.  Those are people that can walk away but it is harder for the parent to break that bond with the child. 

I have heard stories of people saying they could feel something was wrong with their child, even hundreds of miles away.  They would call and find out that the child needed to talk.  I don't understand how this works but it seems to belong to a realm we are unable to see.  So while the whole rest of the world may only need you to fulfill certain roles to keep our societal machine moving, there were at least two people in your life who saw your eyes as a baby.  They know that in your heart you still have that innocence, that need to be loved, and that you are more than what the world wants you to be.  

         

My Happiest Blog Ever

In the last few years I have explored a variety of topics on this blog.  My college experiences, spiritual warfare, and being a parent for the first time.  Like a true looking glass, my blog has reflected my increasing negativity with the world around me.  I mean, come on, what's to like these days?  Do we really like the rapid pace at which information bombards our neurons on a daily basis, desensitizing us and making us feel small and helpless?  Do we like the ever-multiplying tentacles of government reaching into our lives, suctioning on, like leeches, siphoning off money and our privacy?  The increasing noise and light pollution as population centers become a living organism showcasing the materialism and greed that feeds our dysfunctional system?  Susan Powter is in my head now crying out, "Stop the insanity!"  So I will listen to Susan and her closely cropped hair and focus on what I love about this world and what I am grateful for.

I love my family.  My husband has been my biggest fan and supporter in whatever I have decided to do.  He had no qualms about me returning to school and finishing my degree.  He waited patiently while I decided whether I wanted to try and have a child or to pursue a career.  I really am not equipped to do both and he totally understood that.  He makes me laugh every single day with the exception of when we had Norovirus.  But we may have cracked a few jokes about not having anything left to throw up, totally underestimating the power of that virus.  Yes, you will throw up when there is nothing left and it will hurt.  Do not make fun of Norovirus, it is the Sean Penn of the virus world.

I love my daughter.  She also makes me laugh everyday but she does more of a Three Stooges routine.  She literally has tried to poke my eyes out and it is funny.  My little family is everything to me and, for the moment, they are my purpose on this planet.  God has gifted me with beautiful souls and it is an awe-inspiring, humbling experience.

I am eternally grateful for the bond I have with my mother.  She had me at a young age and in some ways we have grown up together.  Frequently, I will call her or she will call me and we will be thinking of the same things to cook for dinner.  I see now in my relationship with my daughter, the psychic link that develops between mother and child.  It transcends anything measurable or evidence based.  It is of great comfort to know that there is at least one person on the planet who is feeling the way you do or at least has the capability to look into your eyes and immediately understands, with no questions.  This often leads me to wonder about Mary and her son Jesus.  If she felt what he was going through when he bore the cross for the rest of humanity.

Finally, I love and am grateful for me.  Hey, I wouldn't be here without me.  That makes sense in my head and Susan Powter agrees.  I believe we all go through moments where we gaze into our own looking glasses and say, "Who the hell are you?"  Maybe it happens after a night of too many cocktails, or after you have lost your temper with a loved one.  A moment of self-loathing.  If you haven't been there, well you are probably delusional and I'll send Ms. Powter to help you.

Too much of my life was spent not appreciating the hazel eyes that were looking back at me.  I didn't see the funny, sweet, strong person in my looking glass.  I think only because of my daughter I see someone different.  Through her new eyes, I see the person that I know I am capable of being.  She doesn't know my past, she doesn't see how hard I am on myself.  She just sees mommy.  The one who feeds her everyday and plays with her.  The one who sings to her, sometimes slightly off-key, okay, maybe a lot off-key.  But that is all she knows and really, that is all I would like to know too.  The person who tries her hardest but still sometimes fails and picks herself back up again.  As Mary watched Jesus and only saw his humanity.  That is what I want to see, just me through the lens of resurrected sight.  :)            

 

         

Angelina Jolie Did Not Have Breast Cancer

Recently, in an Op-Ed for the New York Times, Angelina Jolie talked openly of undergoing the procedures to remove her breasts due to the occurrence of the BRCA#1 found on her genetic testing results.  The words 'brave' and 'beautiful' are being splashed alongside pictures of the glamorous actress as she becomes the new poster child for breast cancer.  And therein lies the problem: she did not actually have breast cancer.  But that all seems to have been lost in the glare of Hollywood lights, as fans roll out in support of the actress calling her their hero.  

While most are commending her decision, some see this as merely another symptom of a fearful, insecure society.  A culture that has embraced even the most extreme preventative measures for what the future might actually bring.  Because the future is and will always be, uncertain.  This is a society living with science at the helm, and not putting our faith fully in God's plan for our life.  A society that removes portions of their bodies out of the fear of the unknown.  Without God there is no certainty of what may happen when the body breaks down.  Angelina used many resources to have these procedures done on a body that did not have cancer, only the genetic capability for it.  Instead of using the knowledge to remain vigilant of her health, she let fear lead her.    

Fear is not heroic.  The woman who is actually battling breast cancer and who decides to have a double mastectomy is heroic.  The highly paid actress having expensive procedures done on a healthy body is not brave or beautiful, it is unnecessary and maybe a serious cry for attention.  She did not battle something and then live to tell the tale, as many women have done.  Yet now she is, for the moment, seen as a survivor of a cancer that was never there.  A hero's journey that was never undertaken.  She never spent months on chemo and radiation, watching her hair fall out, barely able to crawl out of bed, and feeling sick to her stomach every day.  

As this story makes its way through the media, may we remember the real heroes, the women who did not have unlimited finances and dealt with breast cancer on God's terms.  
     

        

Unpublished Letter to the Fargo Forum #1

 
Since about 2005 I have been writing letters to the editor of the Fargo Forum.  I was published quite often but as of the November 2012 election it seems they have made some shift in their editorial content.  Subsequently, I no longer get published.  I have decided to start posting the letters here.  Yea for readers of my blog!  Now I admit this last one did use the word bunghole in relation to the current president's administration.  I do not think that went too far but maybe the same newspapers that publish the gory and lewd accounts of murders and sex crimes, cannot publish the word bunghole.  Here is the letter in its entirety.  Please enjoy!  

In the early nineties, Mike Judge brought us the show “Beavis and Butt-Head”. A cartoon parody of life as a middle-class, teenaged burnout in suburbia. One of the more infamous lines from this series comes from the character Beavis as his alter-ego, the great cornholio, states, “I am the great cornholio! I need TP for my bunghole!” After a sugar or caffeine-induced high he slips into the role and begins to make the ridiculous demand for more TP. Anyone who even remotely questions this command is met with the next equally infamous phrase of, “Are you threatening me?” As we watch the Obama administration in action, one wonders when they got a hold of some pixie sticks, descending into a Beavis-like world of inane demands and megalomania. Over the last year, White House reporters have essentially been silenced, given scripted talking points and told to act nice. Bob Woodward of Watergate fame was threatened when exposing lies involving the sequester. And then there were the Benghazi whistle blowers whose careers were threatened by the administration if they cooperated with congressional investigators. Obama also recently made the odd request at a commencement address to, “reject voices that warn against government tyranny.” As this administration wanders around in a delusional state, seeking out perceived threats, I believe it is time for the American people to ask who is really threatening who?    

Jesus Did Not Smoke Marijuana

Over the years, as my relationship with God has developed, I have moved from a realm where God is this happy-go-lucky figure, to one where he is treated with awe and humility. As I read message boards and social media posts from modern-day Christians, the respect, that should be accorded to the one who created the whole world, is missing. Jesus and God are viewed as these non-judgmental hippie-like entities, that are like, “Hey man, I'm cool with you breaking my commandments and laws as long as you love one another.” If that were the case, Sodom and Gomorrah would still be here, since the inhabitants of those ill-fated cities did plenty of loving.

The most recent meme I happened to read on Facebook reads as such, “You call yourself a “Christian”, but Jesus wasn't a snob who judged people by their imperfections. You may wanna get your Bible out and check up on that.” Oh there are so many holes in this I do not know where to begin. It is true that Jesus did not judge and healed all he came across. But he will return to judge the living and the dead. The old testament and its laws were not thrown out with Jesus and his teachings. Here is a quote from Matthew, "Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them." Most will not understand this in our politically correct times. But we will be judged, no matter what legislation has been passed or what we are told to think by the mainstream media.

Judging and hating have become intertwined in our lexicon. The devil, of course, is always in the details and maybe that was the way the prince of air had it planned out. Judging is not hating. You are not an awful or a hateful person if you refuse to tolerate a behavior that your fellow human beings find acceptable. You can still love someone and yet not be a party to their personal struggles with sin. I have loved people who have been drug addicts and alcoholics. But I did not lead them further into the abyss by sanctioning the demons that ate away at them.

The times are rife with pick and choose Christians. The best advice I ever received as a Christian is to not make editorial decisions. Meaning, you cannot base your spirituality and understanding of the Bible on what the media, or your friends, or family say. The Bible is the literal word of God. Dietrich Bonhoeffer, the great German theologian who helped the Jews during WWII, stated we must treat it as if God is speaking to us when we read the Bible, like he is in the room with us. And the only way that works if you come to the word of God with a childlike understanding. You must innocently read the texts and not try to unravel them in order to fit your worldview.

In the second coming of Jesus, gone will be the soft robes and sandals, and in their place will be the full armor of God as judgment is meted out to one and all. As a Christian you must not mistake Jesus and his caring nature for weakness but see that he had great power that he was reserving for future judgments. When the time comes that power will be unleashed and as stated in 2 Peter 3:10, “But the day of the Lord will come like a thief. The heavens will disappear with a roar; the elements will be destroyed by fire, and the earth and everything done in it will be laid bare.”

It's A Hard Knock Life: Some Heads Need Harder Knocks

From a very young age I remember perceiving life as an emotional and spiritual evolution. I would go through various trials and tribulations in this lifetime, learning from each experience. As I aged I would advance to higher and higher states of being, attempting to chip away at my flaws. I planned on spending my adulthood in a sort of yogi-like understanding of myself and the world around me. But as the years passed, this plan proved much harder to implement. Many days are spent going two steps back instead of forward and progress is slow going.

I think nearly everyone has a time in their life where they become very jaded and disillusioned. I distinctly remember at age thirteen, becoming painfully aware that the adults in my life were fallible and that I could not fully trust anyone. I do not see this as bad, necessarily. There is not one perfect person walking this planet, that person died long ago. But somewhere between thirteen and my thirties that lesson faded into the background. The idealism came back and I trusted that the people close to me would always remain close to me, that as they aged they would strive, as I strove, to be a better human being.

Due to recent developments with family members, I am re-learning the lesson of trust. You can only trust God to be on your side. Not your spouse, your children, your sister, your brother, etc...I can add another lesson. That not everyone is on an upward trajectory in life. There are people who will continually seek and cause chaos. They will let it enter their life and the lives of those around them. These people use it as a method of control. If someone chooses to constantly play the role of the victim, they do this so that they never have to fully grow up and the people around them can be their caretakers. And then there are the bullies. The people holding the carrot at the end of the stick, trying to make you dance like a puppet. They do this through chaos manufacturing, creating mountains out of mole hills to get the desired reaction.

Now I am pushed through the canal again, seeing the people around me with new eyes, reassessing their place in my life. As a Christian, forgiveness is part of the walk. I have forgiven those who have hurt me many times over. But I too am only human, and I find a bitterness at these same people needing forgiveness once again. The family as fragmented now as it was decades ago. The same situations, only a different day. I find solace in knowing I can choose to evolve while others retread the same paths. I had hoped that by the time I had a child, old wounds would be healed and everyone could move forward. But I must take this as a reminder from God that we are all on very different paths and only once in a while do they converge in a harmonious conjunction.

Forever Family

Forever Family

We come from a place

Where no amount of time can erase

Everyone knows your name

Where you came from

Where you have gone

What you have done

We are here, whether you like it or not

We are here, even if you have forgot

Good times, bad times

Engraved in our minds

Search through the treasures

What will you find?

This is here forever

The ones who won't go away

Neither sun, nor clouds, nor rain

We will enjoy your pain

Forever and ever amen

Forever and ever until then?