True Colors

We all have bad habits.  Some of us bite our nails, some of us smoke, or drink.  I have an unusual bad habit: I like to assume that people know my heart.  I don't know when this started or why.  It could be the product of small town life.  Gossip travels fast in those communities and you don't want to be known as a bad apple, or at least I didn't.  I got decent grades, showed up for jobs on time, and tried to keep my side of the street relatively clean.

After a while you know that others view you as a trustworthy person.  So this is the naive attitude I took with me into the wide world after graduation.  It worked fine in college dorms because they are like small communities.  But then I got into the corporate world.  Suddenly, it didn't matter anymore.  It didn't matter what my heart said or who I knew myself to be.  If you swiped your badge more than three times, you got punished.  If you accidentally took a longer break than you were supposed to, there was feedback.  If you missed work too many times due to things out of your control, well you get the point.

Ever so slowly, I realized that I didn't matter.  My core being meant nothing to society.  I was a cog in a machine and I had to act accordingly.  My worth only came from fulfilling certain functions.  So the person that I presented to the world, the one that lives in my heart began to hide, to disappear.  You learn to compartmentalize yourself.  Now as a parent, I see that same theme repeating itself.  I am not complaining about parenting but with a second child on the way, I find myself disappearing even more.  I see that I need to fulfill certain requirements and that what I have in my heart doesn't matter.  If I complain about it, I am seen as a bad parent or selfish, although I know I love my children very much. 

And while the rest of the world doesn't seem to understand my worries or concerns, my mother does and she sees my heart.  I came across a passage in the Bible that helped me understand why people, even close to me, just didn't understand me, or know that while I may have grievances about life, my heart was true.  In Matthew 11:27 it states,

"All things are delivered unto me of my Father: and no man knoweth the Son, but the Father; neither knoweth any man the Father, save the Son, and he to whomsoever the Son will reveal him."

This is the bond I believe God gives us between parent and child.  Your child may be acting out in rotten ways, throwing things, or screaming, but you can look in their eyes and see their heart.  You can see that these things are external, that their actions are not who they are.  This passage helped me make sense of why time and time again it only seems that your mom or dad understands you.  Not even your spouse, or your friends.  

Most parenting is unconditional love because they brought you onto this planet and bear a great responsibility for you, even as you age.  There are certainly conditions with the love you have between you and your spouse and you and a friend.  Those are people that can walk away but it is harder for the parent to break that bond with the child. 

I have heard stories of people saying they could feel something was wrong with their child, even hundreds of miles away.  They would call and find out that the child needed to talk.  I don't understand how this works but it seems to belong to a realm we are unable to see.  So while the whole rest of the world may only need you to fulfill certain roles to keep our societal machine moving, there were at least two people in your life who saw your eyes as a baby.  They know that in your heart you still have that innocence, that need to be loved, and that you are more than what the world wants you to be.