Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex: A Personal Account

When I first found out that I was going to have a baby I knew immediately that I wanted to breastfeed. I spent the next nine months reading materials and taking a class so that I could be prepared. But sometimes life just has a different plan than the one you have had firmly cemented in your head. And you either have to go with it, or go through the hell that I put myself through.

I remember when my daughter first latched and I was so happy. She took to it easily and I thought to myself, “This is going to be a piece-of-cake”. I didn't spend much time in the hospital and soon enough I was home, trying to establish a routine. Our daughter was born with jaundice so we had many follow-up appointments to check her levels and I would meet with the lactation consultant. It was very over-whelming at the time. I had never spent the night in the hospital, never had a procedure done, and here I was, spending all this time in a place, that to be honest, I hated.

So I was determined to get things right with the lactation consultant so that we could begin our nesting phase. The latching, as I stated, went extremely well, but I was not producing enough milk, and my little one was starting to lose weight. This was the first blow. I tried not to let this affect me as I plunged ahead. But she still kept losing weight and eventually we had to supplement formula. I was getting extremely upset at this time. What had started out so wonderfully was slowly turning into a waking nightmare.

Finally I started producing more milk but then as if on cue, another problematic monkey leaped onto my back. Whenever I would begin the feeding process, a wave of incredible sadness and revulsion would come over me. My husband witnessed as I became somewhat catatonic before and after feeding. My pupils would dilate and it was like another person would take over. No matter how happy I was before the feeding time, it would always, and I do mean, always happen. I tried switching locations in the house, tried different television shows, not having the TV on, and it didn't matter. What should have been a happy, bonding time with my daughter usually ended up with me in tears. I was crying while breastfeeding and I knew this wasn't normal.

But for all the reading I had done, I had not heard of this happening. Eventually I started to pin it all on myself and my failures as a mother. Then I developed postpartum anxiety, which is different from postpartum depression. I had never had a panic attack in my life and now I was having a few a day. They were uncontrollable. Nothing had prepared me for this. I don't even think reading about this would have prepared me for the actual experience. I felt like I had been broken into a million pieces and I was desperately trying to put myself back together.

Breastfeeding became something otherworldly, as I sat there and cried, while doing something that should be natural to every female creature. Eventually I couldn't even think of my breasts without overwhelming revulsion. I discussed this with my OB and she said that yes this happens to some women and that I shouldn't beat myself up. So I made the call and decided to stop breastfeeding. It was a painful decision. One that I still feel to this day. The postpartum anxiety only got worse after this, as I went through mother guilt, and I had to take a temporary medication to get me back to normal.

It was only months later that I learned my condition had a name. I don't even think my OB knew that there was an actual term for this. It is called Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex or D-MER. It is described as “an abrupt emotional "drop" that occurs in some women just before milk release and continues for not more than a few minutes. The brief negative feelings range in severity from wistfulness to self-loathing, and appear to have a physiological cause. The authors suggest that an abrupt drop in dopamine may occur when milk release is triggered, resulting in a real or relative brief dopamine deficit for affected women”. http://www.internationalbreastfeedingjournal.com/content/6/1/6

When I read this I felt such a weight off of my shoulders. I had put it all on myself and my shortcomings. I didn't know that what I was experiencing was hormonally related. It doesn't seem that this condition is widely known or discussed. I had let myself and others make me feel incredibly guilty for failing at breastfeeding. And yes, unfortunately, women do not support each other very well when it comes to this issue. I have had little jabs thrown at me by friends, “mother's milk is best”, to insinuating that I didn't try hard enough and therefore must not care about my daughter. I won't name names but women have got to stop this. We should support each other in whatever decisions we make for our children instead of using these decisions to feel superior over another. But I am a realist and I know how catty and controlling most women are so I don't expect this behavior to end anytime soon. All you have to do is read the message boards on this issue. It is sad and shocking to me how judgmental others are when it comes to another persons child, when really I think they care more about lording over someone than whether that child is receiving “proper nutrition”.

With this new information, I feel that I can now move forward. My daughter is happy, healthy, and feisty. I was formula fed, most people I know were formula fed, and there shouldn't be the shame that is now attached with that. I graduated college as a formula fed person, rarely get any colds or sickness as a formula fed person. I don't have asthma or eczema. I am here today to tell those who have made the decision not to breastfeed, to not feel guilty or let others make you feel that way. As long as your baby is healthy and happy you are doing a GOOD JOB! Learn to love yourself, no matter what feeding method, and your child will reap the benefits of a happy home.

As In the Days of Noah

 

Every Fall it seems that yellow jackets find a way to build a nest somewhere on my house. For many years they were able to get into our eaves. So we blocked that off but this past season they found a little place by our backdoor and started a good-sized nest in our siding. I've never been stung and I was petrified to use that door.

Eventually my husband started setting out dishes of soap with Karo syrup and the yellow jackets began dying in the hundreds. Each day he would set out a new trap and more would die. The traps worked and the hive began to die off. I finally worked up the courage to go out there and take a look one day. I noticed a yellow jacket on the ground, trying to pick something up. I watched as he struggled to take flight with one of his fallen comrades.

I knew at that moment I was meant to witness this scene. I was meant to see this creature turn on his fellow, after working in concert to build one of natures most beautiful machines. The hive had been starved off and now they had turned on each other. I thought of our society and how community is encouraged. There are more people living in urban and suburban settings than ever before. I thought of my own city with little parks scattered about, nice walking trails, schools, grocery stores, and churches. It functions well enough, the city planners didn't do a terrible job of laying out the city. But if we faced a threat such as starvation how fast would this illusion unravel?

A yellow jacket's nest, if attacked, will act as one, even chasing the attacker for up to a mile. That is if they are faced with a sudden attack or threat. But in the case of a war of attrition, they will eventually turn on each other, as I witnessed that day. Again I thought of my community. My city is faced with flooding every so often and we diligently fill and place sandbags to prevent a catastrophe. But if food became scarce I wonder how long that friendly Scandinavian spirit would last. Would we turn on each other, much like any tightly grouped species on this planet?

As our nations debt spirals out of control and, as evidenced by the Benghazi attacks, we find ourselves more vulnerable to attack than ever before, it has become prudent to not put much faith into civilization staying civilized in a time of unrest. It is quite ironic that when we are more hive-like than ever before we have a community organizer at the helm. But as mother nature allowed me to see, you cannot depend on others, even those who you trusted, to have your back when vital resources are at stake. I urge my friends and family to get prepared. Hurricane Sandy also showed us how quickly infrastructure can fall apart and how necessary it is to have food, water, and an alternate power source available to you in a time of crisis.

Ultimately our fate is dictated according to God's will, but if you ever feel led to prepare, much like Noah, then you need to heed that call. Remember it is not up the government to make sure you are fed, only our security is under their jurisdiction.

“By faith Noah, being warned by God concerning events as yet unseen, in reverent fear constructed an ark for the saving of his household. By this he condemned the world and became an heir of the righteousness that comes by faith.” Hebrews 11:7