I remember when my daughter first
latched and I was so happy. She took to it easily and I thought to
myself, “This is going to be a piece-of-cake”. I didn't spend
much time in the hospital and soon enough I was home, trying to
establish a routine. Our daughter was born with jaundice so we had
many follow-up appointments to check her levels and I would meet with
the lactation consultant. It was very over-whelming at the time. I
had never spent the night in the hospital, never had a procedure
done, and here I was, spending all this time in a place, that to be
honest, I hated.
So I was determined to get things right
with the lactation consultant so that we could begin our nesting
phase. The latching, as I stated, went extremely well, but I was not
producing enough milk, and my little one was starting to lose weight.
This was the first blow. I tried not to let this affect me as I
plunged ahead. But she still kept losing weight and eventually we
had to supplement formula. I was getting extremely upset at this
time. What had started out so wonderfully was slowly turning into a
waking nightmare.
Finally I started producing more milk
but then as if on cue, another problematic monkey leaped onto my
back. Whenever I would begin the feeding process, a wave of
incredible sadness and revulsion would come over me. My husband
witnessed as I became somewhat catatonic before and after feeding.
My pupils would dilate and it was like another person would take
over. No matter how happy I was before the feeding time, it would
always, and I do mean, always happen. I tried switching locations in
the house, tried different television shows, not having the TV on,
and it didn't matter. What should have been a happy, bonding time
with my daughter usually ended up with me in tears. I was crying
while breastfeeding and I knew this wasn't normal.
But for all the reading I had done, I
had not heard of this happening. Eventually I started to pin it all
on myself and my failures as a mother. Then I developed postpartum
anxiety, which is different from postpartum depression. I had never
had a panic attack in my life and now I was having a few a day. They
were uncontrollable. Nothing had prepared me for this. I don't even
think reading about this would have prepared me for the actual
experience. I felt like I had been broken into a million pieces and
I was desperately trying to put myself back together.
Breastfeeding became something
otherworldly, as I sat there and cried, while doing something that
should be natural to every female creature. Eventually I couldn't
even think of my breasts without overwhelming revulsion. I discussed
this with my OB and she said that yes this happens to some women and
that I shouldn't beat myself up. So I made the call and decided to
stop breastfeeding. It was a painful decision. One that I still
feel to this day. The postpartum anxiety only got worse after this,
as I went through mother guilt, and I had to take a temporary
medication to get me back to normal.
It was only months later that I learned
my condition had a name. I don't even think my OB knew that there
was an actual term for this. It is called Dysphoric Milk Ejection
Reflex or D-MER. It is described as “an abrupt emotional "drop"
that occurs in some women just before milk release and continues for
not more than a few minutes. The brief negative feelings range in
severity from wistfulness to self-loathing, and appear to have a
physiological cause. The authors suggest that an abrupt drop in
dopamine may occur when milk release is triggered, resulting in a
real or relative brief dopamine deficit for affected women”. http://www.internationalbreastfeedingjournal.com/content/6/1/6
When I read this I felt such a weight
off of my shoulders. I had put it all on myself and my shortcomings.
I didn't know that what I was experiencing was hormonally related.
It doesn't seem that this condition is widely known or discussed. I
had let myself and others make me feel incredibly guilty for failing
at breastfeeding. And yes, unfortunately, women do not support each
other very well when it comes to this issue. I have had little jabs
thrown at me by friends, “mother's milk is best”, to insinuating
that I didn't try hard enough and therefore must not care about my
daughter. I won't name names but women have got to stop this. We
should support each other in whatever decisions we make for our
children instead of using these decisions to feel superior over
another. But I am a realist and I know how catty and controlling
most women are so I don't expect this behavior to end anytime soon.
All you have to do is read the message boards on this issue. It is
sad and shocking to me how judgmental others are when it comes to
another persons child, when really I think they care more about
lording over someone than whether that child is receiving “proper
nutrition”.
With this new information, I feel that
I can now move forward. My daughter is happy, healthy, and feisty.
I was formula fed, most people I know were formula fed, and there
shouldn't be the shame that is now attached with that. I graduated
college as a formula fed person, rarely get any colds or sickness as
a formula fed person. I don't have asthma or eczema. I am here
today to tell those who have made the decision not to breastfeed, to
not feel guilty or let others make you feel that way. As long as
your baby is healthy and happy you are doing a GOOD JOB! Learn to
love yourself, no matter what feeding method, and your child will
reap the benefits of a happy home.
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