From a very young age I remember
perceiving life as an emotional and spiritual evolution. I would go
through various trials and tribulations in this lifetime, learning
from each experience. As I aged I would advance to higher and higher
states of being, attempting to chip away at my flaws. I planned on
spending my adulthood in a sort of yogi-like understanding of myself
and the world around me. But as the years passed, this plan proved
much harder to implement. Many days are spent going two steps back
instead of forward and progress is slow going.
I think nearly everyone has a time in
their life where they become very jaded and disillusioned. I
distinctly remember at age thirteen, becoming painfully aware that
the adults in my life were fallible and that I could not fully trust
anyone. I do not see this as bad, necessarily. There is not one
perfect person walking this planet, that person died long ago. But
somewhere between thirteen and my thirties that lesson faded into the
background. The idealism came back and I trusted that the people
close to me would always remain close to me, that as they aged they
would strive, as I strove, to be a better human being.
Due to recent developments with family
members, I am re-learning the lesson of trust. You can only trust
God to be on your side. Not your spouse, your children, your sister,
your brother, etc...I can add another lesson. That not everyone is
on an upward trajectory in life. There are people who will
continually seek and cause chaos. They will let it enter their life
and the lives of those around them. These people use it as a method
of control. If someone chooses to constantly play the role of the
victim, they do this so that they never have to fully grow up and the
people around them can be their caretakers. And then there are the
bullies. The people holding the carrot at the end of the stick,
trying to make you dance like a puppet. They do this through chaos
manufacturing, creating mountains out of mole hills to get the
desired reaction.
Now I am pushed through the canal
again, seeing the people around me with new eyes, reassessing their
place in my life. As a Christian, forgiveness is part of the walk.
I have forgiven those who have hurt me many times over. But I too am
only human, and I find a bitterness at these same people needing
forgiveness once again. The family as fragmented now as it was
decades ago. The same situations, only a different day. I find
solace in knowing I can choose to evolve while others retread the
same paths. I had hoped that by the time I had a child, old wounds
would be healed and everyone could move forward. But I must take this
as a reminder from God that we are all on very different paths and
only once in a while do they converge in a harmonious conjunction.
