I am participating in a chain blog message. I hate chain messages of any sort, like the forwards you receive through texts stating: If you don't pass this on you will have bad luck for X amount of time (so don't send me those!). But at the behest of Devin Berglund, another blogger, I am going to give this one a spin. Mostly to see what seven things I will pick. :) I should really re-title this, Things You Probably Didn't Know About Me.
1. My mom was involved in a religious cult when I was young. I remember a man in a black robe with a rope tied around his middle delivering the services. Obviously she broke free and went on to speak against cults to many students and churches over the years. I have been fascinated with them ever since. I recommend the book, Snapping: America's Epidemic of Sudden Personality Change, by Flo Conway and Jim Siegelman, for additional reading on the topic.
2. I eat the same snack virtually every night. A mixture of almonds, dark chocolate, and dried cranberries. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and my blood sugar levels respond well to this concoction. I may even keep this snack and the gestational diabetes diet after pregnancy. I actually lost a few pounds when I first started but don't worry I had fat reserves to draw from and it didn't affect the baby.
3. Politically I am a Libertarian and in regards to religion I am a Christian. This fits the blog entry perfectly because people hate to discuss their affiliations. When I say I'm a Christian I mean exactly that. I don't pick and choose what I think will work for me from the Bible. I understand I am imperfect and not following God's entire word and I expect to be held accountable for my behavior someday. It is also why I have a hard time attending churches affiliated with the ELCA now. As an organization, they have decided to pick and choose, like they are picking out ice cream toppings, and that is completely disrespectful to God. My political beliefs have also hardened over time (dare I start using the word crotchety?). I remember my misspent youth and how "open my mind was". Looking back, my moral compass was all over the place and I wasted a lot of time on very foolish things.
4. I am awful to travel with, especially on long flights. My poor, poor husband probably has visions of shooting me with a tranq gun on these voyages. It starts out well but I quickly degrade into an irritable, complaining mess. By the end of it, I wish I had tranquilized myself. For instance, when we traveled to Germany it took me at least three days to even resemble a civil human being. I said awful things, broke down in tears, stormed off not once but twice, etc...you get the point. I love the experiences I've had traveling but for me and my traveling companions there is a price to pay and it's almost worse than the cost of the ticket.
5. I had my fifteen minutes of fame on television and it was mortifying. I was involved in the dance team my senior year of high school and we were asked to perform at the North Dakota State Class B basketball tournament. It was on local television and my grandparents taped the event. I eventually watched the tape and they did a close up of me. It was all good until I realized they did a close up of me and my giant pit stain. Unfortunate timing but it makes for a funny story.
6. I love reading books from the author Betty Neels before bed. She is a celebrated author in circles of the Harlequin variety. I particularly love these books because of their innocence (the dude gets a kiss from the lady and that's about it). They generally follow the same plot structure. Young gal from England, in meager circumstances, meets handsome older gentleman, who is usually Dutch. They are forced to work and/or be together due to a social arrangement and eventually they fall in love. It's formulaic but soothing. These books are my Ambien.
7. I almost went to work on a dude ranch! It seems inconceivable to me that I would even consider that, knowing how long it takes me to get ready. But in 2002 I was accepted to work in Durango, Colorado. I was deciding in between that and living with my friend Jess in Fargo. Funny how things work out. If I had decided to head to Colorado, I probably wouldn't be married to my husband and best friend. I'd be married to some cowboy and we'd have little bowlegged children running around. :)
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Friday, May 11, 2012
All Roads Lead to Mediocrity and The Death of the Space Shuttle Program
During my last semester of college I took a history course on the rise of the Third Reich. It was endlessly fascinating and one of my favorite classes. I was tasked to do a report on Nazi weapons development. I had little knowledge of the topic. My primary focus was on the V weapons programs, the V-1 and V-2 rockets. In order to gain a better understanding of these weapons my husband and I made a trip to Hutchinson, Kansas to a place called the Cosmosphere.
Harriet Tubman once said, "Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world". Unfortunately with the death of the space shuttle program and NASA budget cuts under the Obama administration, we are being told the stars are too far. Americans are now encouraged to strive for mediocrity, to stay on the same level playing field as everyone else.
The space shuttle program represented more than just mankind's desire to explore beyond its boundaries. It symbolized the spirit of the individual that made our nation great. The United States succeeded where others failed simply because the ideas were organic and freedom of expression was allowed. They were not coerced or brought about by threats. It is that very same spirit that is threatened today. We are being told that we should all do our fair share, pay our fair share, have the same shot at the opportunities in this country. What this creates is a hive-like mentality. Instead of working for our own individual goals as deemed by our creator, we are putting the collective ahead of our own needs.
The collective rarely ever gives back what it takes. It will take your tax money to pay for everything everyone else wants, it will take your individual privacy for the sake of the safety of the herd, it has no restraint and like locusts in a field it will strip away everything. Our founding fathers knew how dangerous the collective was to freedom. They put certain checks and balances into our Constitution to prevent the death of the individual. However, we seem to have arrived at a juncture where our leaders no longer heed those words that were meant to protect us.
The loss of the space shuttle program and the NASA budget cuts are highly symbolic of a President who not only wants to level the playing field in his own country but to make us subservient to the rest of the world. Any student of history will acknowledge that someone always fills the void of supremacy on the world's stage. I fear these maneuvers will only leave our nation vulnerable in the eyes of those who wish to usurp us. Losing these programs represents the decline of America into a scientific and technological dark age from which we may never recover.
So I leave you readers with this photo. The juxtaposition of the death of the shuttle program and the beacon of freedom that welcomed those who had very little and only a dream in their heart. Although achieving success and reaching as high as you can dream are no longer encouraged, I hope the younger generations will look back and realize what was lost. Not just the ability to go where no man has gone before but the loss of the American dream.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
For My Daughter: Things I Won't Find on a Baby Registry
Over the years, as I've aged, my opinions have varied but only recently I have felt them solidify into immovable pillars. It could simply be a natural evolution as a person moves towards the middle of their life. At any rate, my worldview has shifted considerably in the last decade.
Circumstances may have propelled me into cementing my ideologies before the birth of my child. My greatest wish for her is that she lives a life less ordinary. It frightens me to see so many people eagerly and mindlessly jump on board with the latest trends or Hollywood fads such as the recent Hunger Games phenomena or Harry Potter or Twilight, etc...Or how quickly they want to snap up the latest cellphones and gadgetry. My hope is that her world is not defined by well...things of this world.
I may be accused of being naive at this point. I realize she will still have to exist in this world. She will have to go to school, work, date, experience joy and pain. However, this is her temporary home as it is for all of us. Our forever home is with God.
Too many people, especially parents, neglect the forging of a relationship with God. They buy their children the best of everything, filling their rooms with items that will degrade over time. As I've been putting her room together I momentarily got caught up in wanting the most highly reviewed crib or the best stroller or car seat. Every parent wants the best for their child but I woke up somewhere along the line and realized that these items do not last. It's the morals that I, as parent, impart to her, that will last a lifetime and beyond. If properly set, her spiritual foundation will never decay.
As I look back on my own childhood, I recognize that, while my own parents were not perfect, they set examples that I have carried with me. My father chose to stop drinking and has been sober for over two decades. His choice made our family better and as the eldest it had a significant impact on me. It showed me that people are capable of turning aside from negative and destructive behavior.
My mother spoke out against religious cults. She would travel around to various churches and schools, highlighting the dangers of these organizations. At one point she spoke to over five hundred students. Watching this growing up, implanted the seeds of how powerful knowledge is and how it can be used in such harmful and beneficial ways. It is also why I feel it so necessary to censor not only my own mind but the mind of my child.
These lessons won't be found on any baby registry or in any store. No sum of money will be able to buy the items on this wishlist. I truly hope I will not falter in my quest for her to have a good relationship with God and to be more than the sum of the material goods that she owns. I feel incredibly blessed to have this time to write this for her. I know I will make mistakes as a parent. I know we will have disagreements and she'll go running to her dad because, let's face it, he'll be the fun one. :) I hope, when I'm upset, that I reread this and remember the promises that I made to her.
Circumstances may have propelled me into cementing my ideologies before the birth of my child. My greatest wish for her is that she lives a life less ordinary. It frightens me to see so many people eagerly and mindlessly jump on board with the latest trends or Hollywood fads such as the recent Hunger Games phenomena or Harry Potter or Twilight, etc...Or how quickly they want to snap up the latest cellphones and gadgetry. My hope is that her world is not defined by well...things of this world.
I may be accused of being naive at this point. I realize she will still have to exist in this world. She will have to go to school, work, date, experience joy and pain. However, this is her temporary home as it is for all of us. Our forever home is with God.
Too many people, especially parents, neglect the forging of a relationship with God. They buy their children the best of everything, filling their rooms with items that will degrade over time. As I've been putting her room together I momentarily got caught up in wanting the most highly reviewed crib or the best stroller or car seat. Every parent wants the best for their child but I woke up somewhere along the line and realized that these items do not last. It's the morals that I, as parent, impart to her, that will last a lifetime and beyond. If properly set, her spiritual foundation will never decay.
As I look back on my own childhood, I recognize that, while my own parents were not perfect, they set examples that I have carried with me. My father chose to stop drinking and has been sober for over two decades. His choice made our family better and as the eldest it had a significant impact on me. It showed me that people are capable of turning aside from negative and destructive behavior.
My mother spoke out against religious cults. She would travel around to various churches and schools, highlighting the dangers of these organizations. At one point she spoke to over five hundred students. Watching this growing up, implanted the seeds of how powerful knowledge is and how it can be used in such harmful and beneficial ways. It is also why I feel it so necessary to censor not only my own mind but the mind of my child.
These lessons won't be found on any baby registry or in any store. No sum of money will be able to buy the items on this wishlist. I truly hope I will not falter in my quest for her to have a good relationship with God and to be more than the sum of the material goods that she owns. I feel incredibly blessed to have this time to write this for her. I know I will make mistakes as a parent. I know we will have disagreements and she'll go running to her dad because, let's face it, he'll be the fun one. :) I hope, when I'm upset, that I reread this and remember the promises that I made to her.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Kubrick's Chimps and the Evolution of Technology
Roughly three years ago I obtained my first cell phone. I was in my late twenties and had survived with a land line up until that point. It seems a bit shocking now considering there are 10 year olds running around with their own cell phones. My cell is a very basic model with just a small screen and a flip out keyboard. I've never tried to connect to the internet with it, only sending texts and making phone calls.
Fast forward those few years and I am now in the minority. Most of my friends own smartphones. They whip out those slim, shiny devices, making mine look like it belongs in the Smithsonian or something dug up at an archaeological site. I find myself thinking of the opening scene of Stanley Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey when we have our respective phones on display. When the chimps discover a black, rectangular object outside their cave they waiver in between awe and outright hostility. I won't be pummeling any smartphones with my fists or stroking them lovingly, but I have to wonder if, like the chimps, we are ready for this evolution?
Technology has seen exponential growth in the last few decades. When I was young I worked with floppy disks on a Tandy Radio Shack computer. The only colors on the screen were the classic green and black. We had dot matrix printers where the paper jammed on average every five minutes. The sound of a dot matrix needs to be experienced firsthand at least once in this life. I pity the children who grow up in a world not hearing the cacophony of sounds emitted by those hardworking machines.
The youth of today may think a floppy disk refers to a specialty item in Frisbee. And the crude green and black graphics of the game, Cosmic Fighter, would hardly capture the attention of gamers who are accustomed to full color depictions of a virtual world. But as our technology progressed has our maturity level risen to the occasion or fallen by the wayside?
Recently this was demonstrated while persons I was interacting with continued to play games or text while having a conversation. It may be that we have not yet grasped the fundamentals of functioning in a world where distractions are rife. Many societal observers have commented on this and I won't expound upon what others have thoroughly dissected.
The looming question then remains, where do we go from here? Clearly there is an insatiable need for the next gadget to hit the market. Lines of people wait eagerly for the latest generation iPhone or newest gaming console to appear on the shelves. A void, a black hole of sorts has appeared. One in which technology cannot move fast enough. The masses snatch up the next upgrade with the ferocity of a bridesmaid clawing at a thrown bouquet. But as we do this little consideration is given as to what we are allowing to take root in our society.
The great naturalist, Edward Abbey, in his book Desert Solitaire, warned of the dangers of a society that wielded new found technologies with the reckless abandon of a child. He stated that, "Technology adds a new dimension to the process by providing modern despots with instruments far more efficient than any available to their classical counterparts." He goes on to mention that most oppressive regime, Nazi Germany, "Surely it is no accident that the most thorough of tyrannies appeared in Europe's most thoroughly scientific and industrialized nation."
People in America are under more surveillance than ever before. We even voluntarily give up this information when those with smartphones check into stores or public places that they visit. Cameras are placed in stores, street corners, and some even opt to put them in their homes. EDR's (event data recorders) or black boxes are placed on new model cars to track the mechanisms of the car should an accident occur. Of course it is not mentioned that these devices also collect information that can be used against you, the owner of the vehicle, in a court of law. Of course we all know that our cell phones can be tracked by GPS, pinpointing the location of an individual in a matter of minutes. Hitler and Reinhard Heydrich would have had a field day with this technology.
Innovations in technology can be used in a beneficial manner. Medical advancements can save lives. Some would not be alive today without the advent of the ventilator or the defibrillator. However we need to concede that a dark side has emerged from our rapid progress. Intrusions upon privacy run largely unchecked. Most of us have nothing to hide but allowing our lives to be on display degrades the very spirit of the individual. We become apart of a hive-like mentality instead of the sovereign beings that God intended us to be. It is not the collective that assists you when you meet your maker, you are judged based solely on your individual actions in this life.
Like the chimps in Kubrick's masterpiece, we have come to a juncture where the evolution of technology has not paralleled our ability to handle it. It invades the sovereignty of our lives and ultimately could lead to an overreaching network that could easily be manipulated by the wrong person in power. I do not ask that people cease and desist their playing of Angry Birds on their phone but we need to question what the endgame is. Are we driving this forward or are we being driven to a place where there is no return? Where we, because of a new shiny object, are too distracted to realize that the thing we hold in our hands has all the power.
Fast forward those few years and I am now in the minority. Most of my friends own smartphones. They whip out those slim, shiny devices, making mine look like it belongs in the Smithsonian or something dug up at an archaeological site. I find myself thinking of the opening scene of Stanley Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey when we have our respective phones on display. When the chimps discover a black, rectangular object outside their cave they waiver in between awe and outright hostility. I won't be pummeling any smartphones with my fists or stroking them lovingly, but I have to wonder if, like the chimps, we are ready for this evolution?
Technology has seen exponential growth in the last few decades. When I was young I worked with floppy disks on a Tandy Radio Shack computer. The only colors on the screen were the classic green and black. We had dot matrix printers where the paper jammed on average every five minutes. The sound of a dot matrix needs to be experienced firsthand at least once in this life. I pity the children who grow up in a world not hearing the cacophony of sounds emitted by those hardworking machines.
The youth of today may think a floppy disk refers to a specialty item in Frisbee. And the crude green and black graphics of the game, Cosmic Fighter, would hardly capture the attention of gamers who are accustomed to full color depictions of a virtual world. But as our technology progressed has our maturity level risen to the occasion or fallen by the wayside?
Recently this was demonstrated while persons I was interacting with continued to play games or text while having a conversation. It may be that we have not yet grasped the fundamentals of functioning in a world where distractions are rife. Many societal observers have commented on this and I won't expound upon what others have thoroughly dissected.
The looming question then remains, where do we go from here? Clearly there is an insatiable need for the next gadget to hit the market. Lines of people wait eagerly for the latest generation iPhone or newest gaming console to appear on the shelves. A void, a black hole of sorts has appeared. One in which technology cannot move fast enough. The masses snatch up the next upgrade with the ferocity of a bridesmaid clawing at a thrown bouquet. But as we do this little consideration is given as to what we are allowing to take root in our society.
The great naturalist, Edward Abbey, in his book Desert Solitaire, warned of the dangers of a society that wielded new found technologies with the reckless abandon of a child. He stated that, "Technology adds a new dimension to the process by providing modern despots with instruments far more efficient than any available to their classical counterparts." He goes on to mention that most oppressive regime, Nazi Germany, "Surely it is no accident that the most thorough of tyrannies appeared in Europe's most thoroughly scientific and industrialized nation."
People in America are under more surveillance than ever before. We even voluntarily give up this information when those with smartphones check into stores or public places that they visit. Cameras are placed in stores, street corners, and some even opt to put them in their homes. EDR's (event data recorders) or black boxes are placed on new model cars to track the mechanisms of the car should an accident occur. Of course it is not mentioned that these devices also collect information that can be used against you, the owner of the vehicle, in a court of law. Of course we all know that our cell phones can be tracked by GPS, pinpointing the location of an individual in a matter of minutes. Hitler and Reinhard Heydrich would have had a field day with this technology.
Innovations in technology can be used in a beneficial manner. Medical advancements can save lives. Some would not be alive today without the advent of the ventilator or the defibrillator. However we need to concede that a dark side has emerged from our rapid progress. Intrusions upon privacy run largely unchecked. Most of us have nothing to hide but allowing our lives to be on display degrades the very spirit of the individual. We become apart of a hive-like mentality instead of the sovereign beings that God intended us to be. It is not the collective that assists you when you meet your maker, you are judged based solely on your individual actions in this life.
Like the chimps in Kubrick's masterpiece, we have come to a juncture where the evolution of technology has not paralleled our ability to handle it. It invades the sovereignty of our lives and ultimately could lead to an overreaching network that could easily be manipulated by the wrong person in power. I do not ask that people cease and desist their playing of Angry Birds on their phone but we need to question what the endgame is. Are we driving this forward or are we being driven to a place where there is no return? Where we, because of a new shiny object, are too distracted to realize that the thing we hold in our hands has all the power.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Just a Small Town Girl
I grew up in small town North Dakota, population of about six hundred. When I was young it seemed interminably dull. Occasionally I would visit my grandparents down in the Twin Cities and as we drew closer the excitement would build. The interstate seemed to me like a rushing river bringing me ever closer to the glamorous sights and sounds of the metropolis. The tallest building we had was the grain elevator, anything larger than that was awe-inspiring.
As I grew older I daydreamed constantly of traveling the world and visiting cities like New York and Los Angeles. I even started a travel club in sixth grade. Of course I was the president and we would call various convention and visitors bureaus for travel literature. My parents bought me a filing cabinet one Christmas to store all my travel material. I didn't know what I would find out in the world but it had to be better than my small town that, to my youthful eyes, seemed to have nothing to offer.
Eventually my dreams of travel came true. I traveled to Washington DC when I was I was thirteen. The view from my hotel room consisted of an endless expanse of concrete with not one green thing to be found. I also watched a homeless man wash windows with newspaper for the first time. I nicknamed him George and every day I would watch him frogger his way out to the cars when the light turned red. I sat on a crowded bus and jostled my way through the crowds to the major tourist sites. What had seemed so exciting at first was beginning to lose its flare.
But the travel bug still persisted. I was, after all, president of a travel club. My parents brought us on various little trips here and there throughout high school. After graduation I road tripped with my friends to Chicago. I saw bars on the windows of homes for the first time and a man on the L train who was covered in filth and kept cleaning his hands with the same dirty cloth. Chicago was my first real taste of big city life outside of tourist areas. The siren song of the metropolis was beginning to sound a little off-key.
I took a hiatus from traveling for a while. In 2006 my husband, mother-in-law, and I made the trek to Germany. While parts of the country were spectacular I do remember seeing the rats in the subway in Munich and the druggies in the subway of Frankfurt. I also experienced my first extremely full train where the whole journey was spent shoulder to shoulder to the person next to you. The next trip was Maui. It was beautiful and the people, as cliché as it sounds, were genuinely nice and wonderful. It didn't feel crowded although they receive millions of tourists each year. But Maui is an anomaly. I returned to the states to crowded airports and rude security people. We also visited Las Vegas and while all of the buildings on the strip are far taller than grain elevators they no longer held an allure for me.
The veil had been lifted for me and I began to realize that my small town had elements that a big city could never hope to achieve. There were no bars on windows and people left their doors unlocked, I never once saw a rat in a public place, there were no homeless people because we took care of our own. I didn't have to board a crowded train or bus to get to my destination. The largest expanse of concrete was the parking lot at the grocery store or the church and even the sidewalks had grass growing between the cracks. There are places that I still wish to visit especially after my child is born but the illusions of my youth have faded. They are now replaced with the reality that the majority of the world lives in a hive-like state of existence, never really enjoying the splendors of solitude. What was once dull to me is a gleaming beacon of hope that there are still places where the individual reigns and is not dependent on the ebb and flow of the flow of the city.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Theosophy and The Occult: Part II-Bearing the Fruit
In 2004 I joined a message board entitled, Unknown Country. It was a take off of Whitley Streiber's UFO encounters and his popular book, Communion, which was turned into a movie starring Christopher Walken. Little did I know it would truly take me beyond the unknown and into territories I'd rather not explore.
Up until the Fall of 2007 I thought I'd been the unwilling victim of alien experiments. That sounds really absurd in my current frame of mind. I had read every book I could get my hands on regarding UFO's and aliens. From an early age I truly believed that E.T.'s existed and that they were here to benefit humanity. I came to see many years later that this was a clever game at my expense. This was no fault of my parents. They simply didn't know what I was reading. I'd retire to my room for hours on end, placing signs on my door, requiring total privacy. High school, for the most part, was me exploring Theosophy, Extraterrestrials, and "meditating". I didn't know what path it would lead me down.
From my basis with Theosophy I developed a love for power, thinking it would lead to some great spiritual evolution (read part one of this series). If I could think it, so shall it be. I thought I could control every scenario presented to me. But that turned out to be woefully inaccurate. The first few serious boyfriends I had were a representation of this. I tried to mold them, controlling every aspect of the relationship. It worked...for a while. Then the clay began to unravel. When that occurred, the master mason, didn't like the results. I eventually married but kept my domineering ways.
Marriage didn't change too much and I continued my quest down, what I call, the power path. I joined multiple message boards. I conversed with the operators of those boards, like Jim Marrs, and Whitley Streiber. I even contacted Uri Geller one time thinking the spoon-bending magnifico would impart some of his knowledge. His response was lackluster and I was left craving something more. I thought these, more knowledgeable people, could lead me to something better.
I started to have nightmares. I did not equate my dabbling into the New Age or occult fields as contributing to my often chaotic nights. For a time it actually drove me further into my New Age studies. I started dabbling in Wicca, thinking I could do spells to drive away the entities that plagued me at night. The situation only became more tenuous. In the summer of 2007 I was having nightmares for a month straight, actually waking up and screaming at night. I could feel the presence of something in my room on more than one occasion. I had a very vivid encounter of being taken beyond the stars to a place where giants lived. It was a long encounter and it came to be understood that these were the Nephilim from the old testament in the Bible (I may present a blog about that encounter at a later date).
As time progressed I became more desperate. Obviously turning to the New Age movement or Wicca had not worked. But, alas, salvation, appeared. It's hard to describe unless you've been drawn back from the brink. I remember reading in bed one night in September of 2007, while my husband slept peacefully, and just dreading going to sleep. I would read as long as possible and then try to get some shut eye before work. Instantly a thought popped into my head, "Why don't you ask God for help?" I had not talked to God like that in a long time. For years I labeled myself as an Agnostic, brainwashing myself into believing aliens had created us based on the texts of Jim Marrs (who I still respect in some ways), and Zechariah Sitchin.
The thought began to form that maybe these aliens were not really otherworldly at all. I began to dwell upon the possibility that they were sent by a dark and malicious force to trick us into believing that God did not really create us. The ultimate deception by the one who would want to rule us. I had tried everything else (including Ambien and Lunesta which gave me hallucinations and chest pains), so I thought what the heck and asked God to help me sleep. To my astonishment I slept that night and many nights after that.
Ever since that September I have been forging a new relationship with God and I have come to accept Jesus as the guy who pulled me away from the edge of a very dark abyss. I have seen God work miracles in my life and the lives of my family and friends. I still struggle spiritually and during those times I am more prone to nightmares. But it's usually God telling me I've got to straighten out another wrinkle I didn't realize was there. I do not have near the experiences I did when I was ignoring God.
When I asked him for help that night it was sort of a half-hearted, "yeah we'll see what happens". Some may argue it was the power of my own suggestion. Not to be too prideful, but my mind is far too over-analytical to ever trick myself into anything. If you know me you'll probably be nodding your head at this point. If there are others who struggle at night or have these odd experiences it may be worth a shot to simply ask God for help. He loves and wants to help us and he doesn't give up easily. I am a testament to the years he has spent waiting for me to come around.
I'll leave you with this verse:
And he told this parable: “A man had a fig tree planted in his vineyard, and he came seeking fruit on it and found none. And he said to the vinedresser, ‘Look, for three years now I have come seeking fruit on this fig tree, and I find none. Cut it down. Why should it use up the ground?’ And he answered him, ‘Sir, let it alone this year also, until I dig around it and put on manure. Then if it should bear fruit next year, well and good; but if not, you can cut it down.’” Luke 13:6-9.
Up until the Fall of 2007 I thought I'd been the unwilling victim of alien experiments. That sounds really absurd in my current frame of mind. I had read every book I could get my hands on regarding UFO's and aliens. From an early age I truly believed that E.T.'s existed and that they were here to benefit humanity. I came to see many years later that this was a clever game at my expense. This was no fault of my parents. They simply didn't know what I was reading. I'd retire to my room for hours on end, placing signs on my door, requiring total privacy. High school, for the most part, was me exploring Theosophy, Extraterrestrials, and "meditating". I didn't know what path it would lead me down.
From my basis with Theosophy I developed a love for power, thinking it would lead to some great spiritual evolution (read part one of this series). If I could think it, so shall it be. I thought I could control every scenario presented to me. But that turned out to be woefully inaccurate. The first few serious boyfriends I had were a representation of this. I tried to mold them, controlling every aspect of the relationship. It worked...for a while. Then the clay began to unravel. When that occurred, the master mason, didn't like the results. I eventually married but kept my domineering ways.
Marriage didn't change too much and I continued my quest down, what I call, the power path. I joined multiple message boards. I conversed with the operators of those boards, like Jim Marrs, and Whitley Streiber. I even contacted Uri Geller one time thinking the spoon-bending magnifico would impart some of his knowledge. His response was lackluster and I was left craving something more. I thought these, more knowledgeable people, could lead me to something better.
I started to have nightmares. I did not equate my dabbling into the New Age or occult fields as contributing to my often chaotic nights. For a time it actually drove me further into my New Age studies. I started dabbling in Wicca, thinking I could do spells to drive away the entities that plagued me at night. The situation only became more tenuous. In the summer of 2007 I was having nightmares for a month straight, actually waking up and screaming at night. I could feel the presence of something in my room on more than one occasion. I had a very vivid encounter of being taken beyond the stars to a place where giants lived. It was a long encounter and it came to be understood that these were the Nephilim from the old testament in the Bible (I may present a blog about that encounter at a later date).
As time progressed I became more desperate. Obviously turning to the New Age movement or Wicca had not worked. But, alas, salvation, appeared. It's hard to describe unless you've been drawn back from the brink. I remember reading in bed one night in September of 2007, while my husband slept peacefully, and just dreading going to sleep. I would read as long as possible and then try to get some shut eye before work. Instantly a thought popped into my head, "Why don't you ask God for help?" I had not talked to God like that in a long time. For years I labeled myself as an Agnostic, brainwashing myself into believing aliens had created us based on the texts of Jim Marrs (who I still respect in some ways), and Zechariah Sitchin.
The thought began to form that maybe these aliens were not really otherworldly at all. I began to dwell upon the possibility that they were sent by a dark and malicious force to trick us into believing that God did not really create us. The ultimate deception by the one who would want to rule us. I had tried everything else (including Ambien and Lunesta which gave me hallucinations and chest pains), so I thought what the heck and asked God to help me sleep. To my astonishment I slept that night and many nights after that.
Ever since that September I have been forging a new relationship with God and I have come to accept Jesus as the guy who pulled me away from the edge of a very dark abyss. I have seen God work miracles in my life and the lives of my family and friends. I still struggle spiritually and during those times I am more prone to nightmares. But it's usually God telling me I've got to straighten out another wrinkle I didn't realize was there. I do not have near the experiences I did when I was ignoring God.
When I asked him for help that night it was sort of a half-hearted, "yeah we'll see what happens". Some may argue it was the power of my own suggestion. Not to be too prideful, but my mind is far too over-analytical to ever trick myself into anything. If you know me you'll probably be nodding your head at this point. If there are others who struggle at night or have these odd experiences it may be worth a shot to simply ask God for help. He loves and wants to help us and he doesn't give up easily. I am a testament to the years he has spent waiting for me to come around.
I'll leave you with this verse:
And he told this parable: “A man had a fig tree planted in his vineyard, and he came seeking fruit on it and found none. And he said to the vinedresser, ‘Look, for three years now I have come seeking fruit on this fig tree, and I find none. Cut it down. Why should it use up the ground?’ And he answered him, ‘Sir, let it alone this year also, until I dig around it and put on manure. Then if it should bear fruit next year, well and good; but if not, you can cut it down.’” Luke 13:6-9.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
America: Post 9/11
The End of the Innocence
By: Don Henley
Remember when the days were long
And rolled beneath a deep blue sky
Didn't have a care in the world
With mommy and daddy standin' by
But "happily ever after" fails
And we've been poisoned by these fairly tales
The lawyer dwelt on small details
Since daddy had to fly
But I know a place where we can go
That's still untouched by men
We'll sit and watch the clouds roll by
And the tall grass wave in the wind
You can lay your head back on the ground
And let your hair fall all around me
Offer up your best defense
But this is the end of the innocence
O'beautiful , for spacious skies
But now those skies are threatening
They're beating plowshares into swords
For this tired old man that we elected king
Armchair warriors often fail
And we've been poisoned by these fairy tales
The lawyers clean up all details
Since daddy had to lie
But I know a place where we can go
And wash away this sin
We'll sit and watch the clouds roll by
And the tall grass wave in the wind
Just lay your head back on the ground
And let your hair spill all around me
Offer up your best defense
But this is the end
This is the end of the innocence
Who knows how long this will last
Now we've come so far, so fast
But somewhere back there in the dust
That same small town in each of us
I need to remember this
So baby give me just one kiss
And let me take a long last look
Before we say goodbye
Just lay your head back on the ground
And let your hair fall around me
Offer up your best defense
But this is the end
This is the end of the innocence
By: Don Henley
Remember when the days were long
And rolled beneath a deep blue sky
Didn't have a care in the world
With mommy and daddy standin' by
But "happily ever after" fails
And we've been poisoned by these fairly tales
The lawyer dwelt on small details
Since daddy had to fly
But I know a place where we can go
That's still untouched by men
We'll sit and watch the clouds roll by
And the tall grass wave in the wind
You can lay your head back on the ground
And let your hair fall all around me
Offer up your best defense
But this is the end of the innocence
O'beautiful , for spacious skies
But now those skies are threatening
They're beating plowshares into swords
For this tired old man that we elected king
Armchair warriors often fail
And we've been poisoned by these fairy tales
The lawyers clean up all details
Since daddy had to lie
But I know a place where we can go
And wash away this sin
We'll sit and watch the clouds roll by
And the tall grass wave in the wind
Just lay your head back on the ground
And let your hair spill all around me
Offer up your best defense
But this is the end
This is the end of the innocence
Who knows how long this will last
Now we've come so far, so fast
But somewhere back there in the dust
That same small town in each of us
I need to remember this
So baby give me just one kiss
And let me take a long last look
Before we say goodbye
Just lay your head back on the ground
And let your hair fall around me
Offer up your best defense
But this is the end
This is the end of the innocence
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