“You," he said, "are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world, and that, I believe, is why you are in so much pain.”
― Emilie Autumn, The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls
Lately a sort of malaise has befallen
me, the kind that comes after a bout with gluttony. I'm not quite
sure it is possible but I believe I overindulged in truth. I watched
too many documentaries, and read too many articles. Now I feel
bogged down, my neurons overloaded with new information that I have
yet to process.
Throughout my life something inside of
me has had a great need for truth, no matter the price to myself. I
remember reading the Time Life, “Mysteries of the Unknown” series
when I was young and lying awake in bed, scared of ghosts and aliens.
But I persevered and read the whole series. This pattern has
persisted and many years later I find myself watching documentaries
and reading books I know will frighten me.
But my fears have changed. They have
become more pragmatic. I worry about what will happen to my daughter
if she attends public school. If she is struggling will she get the
attention she needs? Will she see violence and be exposed to things
I don't want her to see or hear? Should I home school her? So I
search for answers, watching documentaries about the school system,
listening to the stories of the parents around me.
I have found that the search for truth
can oftentimes be a lonely road to travel. I can research and gain
this knowledge but that does not mean everyone will accept this as
their truth. More often than not, most people I know will choose to
live in a world that is deemed acceptable by the rest of society.
They will send their kids to public school, vaccinate them with every
recommended vaccine, vote for either Romney or Obama, take what
authority figures with fat paychecks say as gospel, while they reject
the gospel of the one who received nothing and gave everything. They
will see what the man behind the curtain wants them to see and ignore
that there is a curtain, living in illusions where the path to the Superbowl isn't rigged, owning something with
the Apple logo makes you better than the next person, the money from buying pink items actually goes to breast cancer research and not administrative costs, and the shrimp from the
Gulf of Mexico are perfectly safe to eat. Mmmm, yummy Corexit.
James A. Garfield, our twentieth
President, once stated that, “The truth will set you free, but
first it will make you miserable”. And that is probably why this
is such a lonely road. People do not want the misery or the
additional responsibility that comes with knowing the truth. Because
once you see something for what it is you have a choice to make. You have to choose to eat gulf shrimp, knowing that it may still contain remnants of the dispersant used to clean up the BP oil spill. (http://gizmodo.com/5903021/bp-oil-spill-aftermath-eyeless-shrimp-clawless-crabs-and-fish-with-oozing-sores).
As I overcome this latest
overindulgence, I know I have put more responsibility upon myself,
more choices to make. Masochism might be involved, maybe I enjoy the
misery of each new truth I discover. Ultimately one could argue that truth is subjective and that I am the one living a lie. I am the one who has created a world of my own illusions. I will not disagree with that but it is my world and not one given to me, that in itself is truth.
